Yoga... Noga

I have Tuesdays off from school now. It's beautiful. Especially on a beautiful day like today. I can try to accomplish things like... my new year's resolutions or homework. Well neither are getting done the way I like today and I blame reading ahead for the latter. As far as my new year's resolutions, those are starting to work themselves out.

Honestly, I need to stay committed to dieting. I am a wonderful excuse-maker when it comes to that. For some reason I am able to find a reason to "treat" myself for things that are not important. Gross. I am also going to start seriously cutting out alcohol. I always forget how empty those calories are. A glass of wine from time to time, great. But I tend to do a glass of wine a couple of times a week. I am also refraining from the party scene where I completely lack self-control. Pizza, wine, beer, cheese, salts... bring it... no.

I tried Yoga today. The inspiration for this blog actually. Well that was a fail. I was told by my life coach that yoga will help me balance and relieve stress... I WAS SO STRESSED OUT! First, I am an aural learner so if you tell me to do something I don't really need to see it to do it. I figured a DVD would be excellent for starters. I mean I am in bumblefuck Virginia and we only have one pilates class taught by a girl who seriously needs a cheeseburger. I am obviously trying to lose weight but I would like to have a curve or two and some happiness... so I want to do it on my own while here. Started off excellent. I can do the prayer position, lunges, squatting, what have you. I was an athlete, this is awesome...

Then we transition into practically sex positions that I am obviously not in shape for... God my boyfriend must really love me to put up with how awfully awkward and confused I am. This is when I started to lose it. I sat down and watched the routine because "looking my gaze outward" was not instructive as I was just previously told to "tuck into my navel..." These people must seriously smoke up before doing these DVDs. I was so lost. The sitting then turned into epic frustration. My dog was already under my knees, kicking my legs during my lunges think this was a new game.... and then the yoga-tribe started contorting in ways that were obviously above my skill-level... I looked retarded. The sitting turned into pouting, then the pouting turned into lunchtime.

While watching the yoga people, eating soup on my living room floor with my dog lying there next to me in sheer happiness that I was sharing his claimed area rug, I realized I had no idea what was in this soup I was eating. It tasted amazing, Chicken corn chowder, but I had no idea what the ingredients were or anything. Then it hit me, I had a conversation at this trashy local gastropub on Saturday with a girl who lost 20 pounds... She looks amazing and I thought, even if I lost 10 pounds of my desired 30, I would be so happy. She told me it was a mind trick for her "food is fuel not a fun thing." Damn...

I make food such a fun part of my day. I plan meals, which sounds healthy but in my eyes it's how much flavor can I get out of my meals... and I also love sweets. I blame the sweets on new medication and law school stress because prior to this experience and prior to my surgery, I was all into organics and being a lean machine. (the surgery was for a big cyst that released estrogen. gross)

So I re-registered my account for daily calorie counting, finished the oreos and said, "That's it, done." I am getting to the end of my groceries in the next 2 weeks anyway so when I go back shopping I can start fresh. I saved the healthy stuff from my last trip anyway so now I only have healthier foods to choose from.

To be honest though, I hate getting advice from people already doing this successfully. I do better when no one really inputs to my process. It's kinda embarrassing to me that I am such a yo-yo dieter. I feel like I was a vegetarian for so long and was once studying to be a part of the health profession, it's pretty mortifying that I can't stop ingesting what I know is digusting. I hate that I am someone who turns to food for comfort and someone who genuinely loves a good brownie when I'm crying over chick flicks once a month...

So I am not only adopting this "food is fuel, not a treat" attitude, but I am changing things around my apartment. I put the fattest picture of myself I could find on the fridge. I wrote on my whiteboard to remind myself my maximum calorie intake allowed and to check off what kinda exercise I plan to do today. I also wrote an uplifting message to myself on the mirror and I hung my skinny jeans up in a spot I can see them everyday.

I honestly hate the girls that can do this so easily. I don't want your input, I don't want your tricks. It's obviously working for you. I need to find me and nurture me in a way that I can get where I am... when I'm there maybe we can exchange tricks of how we eat celery sticks instead of cheez-its or something. I just can't stand skinny girls with advice, I'm not asking... I'm just doing.

Yoga, Noga.