I've been a good student and blogger for real!

So, I've been studying all day taking little breaks to tweet about my ideas, or check in with home. Sunday has traditionally always been a reflective day for me. The obvious reason is that it's the Holy day of the week. The less obvious reason is that Sunday was always family day growing up. A big Irish Catholic family, we met for everything. There were babies born left and right and in the Catholic tradition, each milestone gets a celebration... so growing up I was always with my cousins on the weekends, either side. But either way, after studying all day (and will be studying all night), Sunday has always been reflection day and family day.

I always had Italian family around. I was really lucky for that because Italian culture and Irish culture are super rich in moral and value, and at the end of the day, it's all about your blood. Blood is thicker than water, and even if there's family drama, at the end of the day we drop what we're doing for each other and we're just genuinely there for each other. I know it's gross to some or pathetic to some, but I am super excited for Sunday night television because I enjoy my daily dose of home. It used to be because of Once Upon a Time, and that show is still cool, but my heart belongs to Long Island Medium and Real Housewives of New Jersey (you have to prioritize during law school, especially during finals). The personalities on those shows are like caricatures of my friends and family at home. The focus on today's RHONJ was family and seeing past differences. It's been exhausting being a connector/mediator in my family. My mom is rough, she always means well and we are at a great place right now. But I'm also extremely vulnerable with finals so it's really easy to make it work because I am at my rope and stressed, so all I talk about is school and how I feel lonely here, etc. I love my mom, and I hope this stays. Today's shows reinforced, though, that family is forever and that at the end of the day, my mom will be there for me over friends and strangers.

I also learned this year that friends come and go. It's like a frickin' revolving door in my life. Some friends have proven themselves as forever friends, and some really hurt me, still not giving that moment of forever friend for me. At the end of the day though, they're not family. So if I don't seem some people again, eh, so bad so sad. I have Joe, I have my family, and I have a bright future. I'm so thankful for those things! I am so happy Joe got into his PhD program. I seriously think that's why I am also so reflective and have so much to say.

Ya know, those that know me, know that dating was not easy... you can scoff and laugh at that (Oh I saw that one coming... eh, eff off), it's true. I swore up and down that I was not going to find someone and that I was done looking. I was happy being single (which I genuinely was, especially after dating my wife-beaten ex-friend's boyfriend's ex-best friend... yea look at that description, did I mention he was pitiful and completely inconsiderate? did coke and the works...). I'm thankful for that experience though. It taught me I have more respect for myself, I'm over frat life, and I wanted something real if anything at all. Then Joe found me. Who knew? I will never forget the first time I saw him...  I was completely smitten and scared shitless.

It's just surreal. Lately I've been panicked, I am so afraid a ball is going to fall out of the air. I've had so much happen. I seriously had a friend tell me that I should date someone else, knowing I was thinking about that next step with Joe and not knowing at all if we'd work out, but serious with Joe enough that to say that was completely inappropriate. I've felt like, for awhile, I forfeited my right to be mad about it because I didn't address it then and there. Luckily, I had a girl's chat night with a friend at law school and realized that I've been carrying this around for a year of school. Obviously, not okay. I never once solicited advice for her to do something about her relationship. I listened. I was supportive, even after being crucified. And sadly, I still care about how that friendship works out, and I just shouldn't. It's been an eye-opener. Joe is my person, and we were getting to the crossroads we are at now and just needed encouragement. From now on, those comments won't fly, and I won't feel that I've forfeited feelings.

My friend said something very poignant that I was losing sight of: You don't say nothin' about my family or my life unless I am at rock-bottom and seriously need it. At the time the comment was said, Joe and I were okay, completely. Completely inappropriate.

It is crazy to me that this summer, Joe and I will be looking into an apartment for when I'm out of law school. He's gonna either have a house with roommates the first year and feel out the housing market or we might find that dream apartment, it's just insane. I'm going to a city I never saw myself going to. I'll be sitting for live bar prep. There is just so much stress that's good, but I am just waiting for something to fail. I'm used to getting shafted right before something good happens but I have worked so hard for myself, and Joe and my Mom are telling me to keep my head up, even if I've been used and taken for granted by others. I am so thankful for that.

Joe and I had that talk about what happens next. He asked me to move in with him after school, we're working out how I can get to my live on-site bar review, working out some pretty serious things and I'm just so happy. He also knows I don't just move in. To me, that's a serious commitment. I don't stand for being screwed over and Joe knows that one or two rings has to be in the near future to make this happen. It's crazy that Joe appreciates and knows that. So basically, everything is going to work out with Joe. I am so happy. I'm thankful I have my family to celebrate with. I can't wait to cross the stage next year (god-willing) and know I did this. I did this on a whim, but I think it goes to my character: strong, smart, resourceful and a little crazy.... lol

I can't wait to go home and relax. I am just on eggshells and ready to start my job this summer. I have so much to celebrate: four weddings, Joe's PhD program, my paid legal job, bright futures and loving family. Today has been stressful and awesome. I am so glad I checked in with everybody and I am just so ready for home. Time to eat and then hit the books again! Wills Trusts and Estates, I'm coming for you!

Vienna waits for you.

Allentown

First, I am finally feeling better. I had a systemic staph infection and even the antibiotics made me feel like crud. I have about 2-3 days more of those bad boys. Only in this freaking town man.

Second, Finals are killing me. I was waking up way early and studying way late, and I have been studying all semester... so my doctor is forcing me to take study breaks. For example, I promised on Saturday, I would start studying no earlier than 9am and stop at 5/6pm. I fought for that 6pm. I mean I feel better since I've been giving my brain a break for sure, and my study sessions are more productive. I just don't want anyone to have an edge over me. I'm tired of partying loonypants scoring better than me. I know my test anxiety is an issue, but it is getting better. It's just taking some time. I also have to bathe in apple vinegar.... it's just not an ideal time to be Katie right now.

Third and most important, Joe got into his Neuroscience PhD program!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited! He got a total fake out, too. The school sent him a "premature rejection" and now he has a full scholarship with a stipend to do his research! It's amazing. I have been praying since he applied. I now have somewhere to move into after graduation and it's only an hour from my bar review location (live professor, on site!). THANK GOD. I know he will move mountains with this program and he finally sounds excited about life. I cannot be happier!!

Fourth, my amazing friend and neighbor has let me borrow her car for the remainder of the semester. I've had to adjust my diet because my primary source of exercise was walking everywhere, but this miracle could not be more timely. Considering I felt like I couldn't walk about a week into borrowing the car, I swear she's an angel. God set that up because he knew I was sick before I knew! I was able to do things for myself: go to the doctor, get my hair done, I even got my first massage!

Fifth, about that massage... The place was different. The guy was intense. But the massage was amazing. I got extra time because the masseuse felt bad that he couldn't get all the kinks out. He said that I have a super athletic body and I have some super muscles (that are tight all the time) and that this summer I need to get back to team sports. Apparently my body is so tight all the time because I am not using my training in my sports: like volleyball, ballet, or basketball. So it's time to hit the courts this summer or something. If I do that, I'll probably feel better. I asked about going to the gym, but apparently my feet resemble professional athlete's feet. I have super high arches and I was even called out on the fact that because my arches are crazy, I rarely wear heels. I was told I was born to run... haha I couldn't stop singing Brucey in my head. Last time I heard that song, my friend Tom was running around a bar screaming the lyrics in all the "hot layday's faces." Mess.

Sixth, I need to pack and stuff. I'm not packing until at least the Thursday before Joe gets here but I do need to pack... We're going to NY and then PA. I really would like to see my grandmother. She's pretty ill. I know my mom makes it sound okay BUT let's be real: my gram is 87?, has alzheimers, emphysema, heart disease, colon cancer, and macular degeneration.... I need to visit before the summer officially starts. I also want to see what my parents have been up to. I miss my brother a lot and I know he still lives under my parents' roof, so he's probably stressed more than he lets on. And little Heidi girl, the family dog from hell, is getting older, too. She has a toy chicken with no teeth to play with, so she carries it around and lays it next to her and puts her paw on it. Insanity.

Seventh, I am signing up for the Long Island Medium. I play to win a reading every week and so far, no dice! I hope my mom gets a call and I can join her appointment.

But 7 is a lucky number and I can feel my brain relaxing and waking up! Time for some eggs and wills! love ya bloggies.

And we're living here in Allentown.

Find your lobster.

Find your lobster.

Make your life happy.

Joe is my lobster!

Con law and life.

So, my apartment is clean, my 12 hour study days are back in full force, and my walmart trips are more frequent. I unfortunately have a weird thing going on that I'm hoping I don't have to go to a doctor about but I will wait... I am doing my best to stay relaxed. It's almost impossible right now, and I've had a freakout or two... but I am doing well not being a rancid bitch. I'm pretty sure this is because I am making great choices, I'm mildly secluded, and I am almost done with the semester. I may be stressed about finals but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish I was even more prepared for finals. I am saving myself from burning out though.

I decided to devote my day to Con Law. Why? I have no clue. I am trying to learn and study, etc... but all I want to do is sleep. I am so tired! So I am listening to lectures for the exam. I've been studying with new people and it makes law school so much fun! The learning that goes on in study groups is great, but the jokes are even better! I love that people study through joking like I do. I mean, I'm not really gonna know how beneficial this is until the exam results are released but I have a good feeling!

I wish I could work out more. I'm getting some finals chub. But, I'd rather be a fat lawyer than a skinny failout. I just have to accept that right now, sitting on my couch listening to lectures, or sitting at the table listening, or sitting at a table reading, sitting sitting sitting is OKAY. I don't want to fail out for vanity sake.

But, g2g read and learn and study and stuff... happy Sunday!

Coffee and Gotye

I pulled an Irish Goodbye last night. It felt awful but I was beyond tired and wasn't even spunky enough to interact! I am popping Vitamin C's and hoping that this exhaustion is not a pending cold.. this happened last semester!

It did feel good to wake up and work on flashcards instead of getting home late and feeling the need to sleep in too long. Quick study break with my new obsession Gotye and a shower... thank God for Coffee! :)

Steven Tyler and I have this song on loop!

Gloria!

Happy Easter, blog friends! And what an Easter it has been...


For starters, Joe was here this weekend and it was by far the most stressful, yet best time. I have been just this ball of nerves with my grandma being so sick, being homesick, Murphy acting up, feeling lonely at school, and of course FINALS. Joe's car broke down on the way in to town. I thought I was going to die. Luckily, Joe knows me enough to make me his last phone call after there's a plan in action, things are okay, and I can't spiral into further panic. It worries me so much when he travels. I feel so responsible when things don't go right. If it weren't for me living in bumblefuck, would he have these issues? Would he be taking this much time out of his life? I don't know. And I have to stop worrying because after 3 years, it's obvious he's not going anywhere and he enjoys the drama of our life together. 


I've actually stopped hanging out with people who have overly-guessed the strength of Joe and I. I can appreciate a good challenge from time to time because I'm secure in my relationship. Joe and I have had many trials and tribulations... we're 23/24 and live 9 hours apart, trying to build our careers... it's bound to be dynamic and dramatic. But there are a few people who prodded too much, hurt my feelings, and I'm over it. You're either on the Joe and Katie bandwagon or you're not because he is the best thing to happen to me and I am lucky to have such great support. The stuff we fight over has been building a foundation and I'd rather sort it out now than be quiet, unhappy down the line knocked up in a kitchen wishing we addressed these issues in our earlier years.

About support, I was very unfair to my friend. We went to Easter mass with him and his girlfriend, Mandy Jo. I was very nervous about this relationship because she was so fresh out of an engagement with what seemed like her college sweetheart... But I learned so much these past 2-3 days and realized that I was being a total hypocrite: Mandy and Dom are adorable and Mandy has been through some serious shit. Mandy had issues with a dear, dear friend of mine, Mel. But I wasn't too involved, I was just appalled at what I was hearing. I seriously think that those issues were happening when* Mandy was trying to keep things together during a tough time she didn't publicize, and I won't publicize, and rightfully so. I don't know how I would handle an evangelist ego-maniac, or feeling forced to marry. I thought that was way of Mandy playing the blame game, and I just feel so bad for thinking that she was making it up. 

I guess that's what happens when you're best friend starts dating someone, you worry a lot that they won't get hurt. I know I am always victim to it and sometimes I distance so much from the potential life-destroyer that it ruins my friendships. I mean, to be fair, myself and most of my friends haven't had the best track record to date. I am trying to keep an open mind but I go to a school where people cheat on each other, drink ALL the time, have "school buddies" and boyfriends/girlfriends back home, etc. I didn't really experience this too much in undergrad. For the most part, everyone was extremely outright about everything and you could tell who was good people and who was not right at first glance. Down here, there seem to be wolves in sheep's clothing and I hope and pray my friends don't find them. I've seen my best friends' life destroyed by domestic violence, jealousy, binge drinking, etc. So I know where the spiral winds up. I'm sure it's hard for my friends to see my response to their dating: I'm not their mom, I have no say, and I shouldn't care. I've just seen so much in my life, even though I am super young, and I fear that my friends are going to get hurt (especially when they buddy up with someone who's already hurt them... THAT'S THE WORST. My friend just married that guy).


Luckily, Joe is my person and we've grown a lot as a couple*. At Easter dinner, someone told us we were very well-suited for each other, in a healthy, positive way. That made me happy. Since my life-changing awful break up and transfer of undergrads, I've been working hard to be healthy, stay healthy and to do the right thing. I filtered out a lot of shitty people and tried to stay open-minded. I am no longer half as guarded as I used to be and I've let down my false ego enough so people see I'm normal. I enjoy the day to day, my dog, studying, writing, and learning. It was amazing to share Easter dinner with my new circle of friends. I am blessed to have so many friends from NY*, NJ, VA, and WV. It was truly a hilarious dinner. Murphy played with his best friend Rocky. We had enough food for our small army of 10 and we ate dessert to boot! We had great dinner convo and everyone left after 3 hours so we could begin our excursion to the Vigil.


The Vigil was some powerful stuff. The Gregorian chanting, Primordial fire, Latin, and frankincense... Truly moving. But it was 2 hours and we barely finished the Liturgy of the word (with two more liturgies that follow). So at the 2 hour mark, Dom, Mandy, Joe and I decided we couldn't stay. We had a 2 hour drive back and it was already 10:30pm... 


After being in 7 car accidents (give or take a couple) you know the feeling of an impending crash. Looking into headlights going the wrong way, breathing hard, looking around to figure out if it's safe to escape... Well on the way back, a seemingly drunk driver was headed south on the northbound side of the parkway. Dom slowed the car down enough to where we had about 7 seconds to maneuver. The car next to use was slowing down in case the maniac decided to swerve and all I did was look at Joe and breathe really hard. I could've sworn we were going to die. Dom luckily moved the car into the next lane and we were okay... Mandy put it best, "I don't know whether I want to puke or cry." That was seriously a life changing moment. I was almost in a full, head on collision on the interstate. 


There aren't many things you can say after that happens. Joe managed to break the ice in his big, lovable way. "We are so lucky." We really are. I think we were saved because we were doing the right thing: spending time with our Grundy family, going to church on the big holiday and working hard at school. Joe seems to think God was telling us never to skip on Communion again.... but I really saw it as: You've been struggling with motivation, having self-doubt and worrying about petty things... time to see the bigger picture. Life is a gift, a blessing. I need to stop making other people such a priority. I need to appreciate my life so much more. I need to let go of some hurt and fear that still linger there even if I don't want them to. 

This will really be a challenge but I took this near-death experience as a learning moment: Stop. Think. Appreciate. That's precisely what happened during that moment. I stopped, thought about my life, looked at Joe and appreciated that I am living my dream and I have a supportive, loving partner on my journey. This Easter, I had the biggest A-ha moment. Time to crush my competition, crush my inner self-depreciating thoughts, and tell the world like it is: I'm Katie, I am a good person and if you don't see that or appreciate it, you're missing out. 

Happy Easter. I hope you are able to avoid oncoming traffic like I was... I hope you find something life changing today. And I hope that if you have something on your mind, you're proactive about it and work on what you think will make you a better person. God Bless :)

I'm on Fire!

Can you spend a little time? Time is slipping away.

That new song by "Wanted" called "Glad You Came" is my mantra to life right now. Life literally feels like it's slipping by. The spring/summer weather, finals around the corner, Easter this weekend... Someone pump the breaks!!

I am excited that summer is almost here but I am not prepared for finals. I mean I'm waking up at 5pm to study like a mofo, but I should be studying now and what am I doing? Blogging. Luckily, I deleted Facebook. I'm also limiting my Pinterest time... great invention for creative people seeking inspiration, horrible invention for law students craving real life. Twitter, is what it is, and I limit my time there only because I'm not overly thrilled with the concept of summing up my moments in 160 characters or less. Let's face it, I can be long-winded.

You know, someone said that it was pathetic that people have to monitor their time on social media. I think it's a testament to the person's willpower, but everyone has their "thing." Everyone has that aspect of themselves they simply have to be conscious about controlling. I don't think that's pathetic at all. But I am also someone who is extremely sensitive to addicts. I get it... I love talking to people back home, I am also 16 hours away in a completely different world, so I can rationalize my love for social media all the live long day. But making a judgment call is kinda stupid. I guarantee the person that made the comment has something weird that they do that they have no willpower to control, or I like to think they do. Like maybe they have to watch TV naked? Or maybe they have to eat one or two pickles a day? Who are we to judge people bettering themselves? If anything, you should be thanking me I am no longer compulsively checking my status updates and posting things like "I miss home" or "I love peanut butter"... If you haven't already deleted me from your Livefeed. 

I am guilty of deleting from LiveFeed. Chances are if you've pissed me off in the last year or two, or any time you post it's something fluffy, or if you're glorifying the Republican party, you're probably on my hide list. I realize I am easily angered, people post fluffy shit all the time, and many people are Republicans, so you can imagine my LiveFeed is nothing short of interesting. You learn a lot about the people you don't normally give the time of day to operating your social networks the way I sometimes choose to operate mine. And it's funny, because someone will say "Have you seen xyz?" and I feel so lost and angered, but oh, hey cybil, you deleted that one when they said they love their boyfriend omgz so much lolz andhearts togetha foreva.... remember? 

Anyway, I'm really opening up my eyes to who I am and where I am at in life. I realize, the people I am closest with now has even changed from last year. I either can't keep a good friend, looking more probable these days, or I am morphing too fast to keep a steady friend to keep up with me. Recently, I've reconnected with old music interests (instead of just liking country, I realized I'm a yankee and I can't do songs about cars and dogs all day, although I love country still). I reconnected with my political junkie side. I put that on the back burner because that's what I thought you're supposed to do in law school. I thought you had to forfeit interests. Little did I know, keeping them makes me a so much better person. So what I have to take ten minutes out of my day to see the new releases in the music world? Who cares if I had to look up a recipe or two to take a break from studying piercing of the corporate veil? If that means I fail out, I graciously accept that. I am interested in life and what comes after.

Seriously, it hit me the other day that eventually, I will no longer be a student. Of course I treat every day like a classroom and I'll never close my mind to learning new things ever (and my profession forces us to go to CLEs, yay?) but at some point, tuition will be done. Maybe I'll even be able to afford a small, economic car! Maybe I will have fresh produce that lasts more than 2 days? Or maybe I won't groan at the electrical bill! Someday I will stop worrying, and it will be a wonderful feeling. I'll always be a neurotic worrywort, but THIS worrying will cease. 

Joe gets here on Friday. It's wonderful. I am lucky and I find our love precious. (You can delete me from your livefeed now ;) ) I realized some people don't like me because they're jealous. That's cool. I don't need your jealousy. I have great friends, they may change like the tide, but I don't care. I appreciate whoever is team Katie. It's nice. I also have an amazing dog who loves me TOO much. I have a nice postage stamp of an apartment that feels like home more than any place ever has. I have neighbors who follow the "mountain way" and constantly surprise me with how good people can be. Joe loves me without condition. He has his ways about him, but without those idiosyncratic ways, I don't know if our life would be the same. Just like, he puts up with my "OMG FREAKOUT" moments and calm, detached moments, and everything in between. So if people aren't on board or are acting strange, screw you. I'll be here when you  get your act together or decide I'm cool again. 

I seriously don't get hot or cold people, and I am one of them. I am SO guilty. But, I think even when hot or cold, I'm always warm. I always care. Sometimes I care too much so I shut up and hide inside because I don't want to be anymore vulnerable than my last failed attempt at it. If I withdraw or I'm not open, it's either because you're being a shit lately, I'm mirroring your behavior, or I am just on a break from you. I don't think people know how to unplug from things. I mean I'm blogging feelings right now, again guilty. But sometimes people don't know how to unplug from each other. I don't need to know how you're doing all the time, or what you think all the time. I appreciate updates, but if you do you and I'm not involved, I'd rather be cut out completely. It makes my healing process for the time being easier. 

I am sensitive. I think sensitive is hot, honestly. I mean, it means I care. I'd rather care too much than not care at all, no matter how many times I wish the opposite while crying on my bathroom floor listening to something super gay while eating cadbury mini eggs.... you know how that is, don't judge, it's a stressful Easter season. Maybe you drink or exercise when you're at your max.... sometimes I do those things, too. But I have one good cry a week... and then life moves on. It's not depression. That's that, I can't get outta bed shit. No, this is, I AM AT MY MAX and JUST ONE MORE MINUTE OF SHAMELESS CRYING. It's normal. And if you don't believe me watch Everybody Loves Raymond... Deborah explains this feminine need perfectly... and no, wiseass, it's not PMS. It's being an overstressed woman in today's society, surrounded by fakes and phonies, and just needing that outlet to be your genuine human self.

I don't know what I would do without my neighbors this year. Honestly... I think that our town's locals are some of the NICEST people ever. I have never been treated with such kindness. I do miss the NYC edge, and it will be refreshing when I go back but it gets old. Frankly, most of my NY friends and family are kinda rude now. I understand what I must've looked like when I first moved south. I am by no means a southerner, but I'm not really the stereotype of a yankee anymore either. I'm myself. The move down south made me realize that it doesn't matter where you're from, or where you're going, as long as you're trying to be the best self that you can be.

I still try not to curse, but let's be real, some words just feel good. Like letting out that F bomb after you stubbed your newly manicured toes? Yea... c'mon, you know how good that word feels. Or calling a catty bitch a catty bitch... Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade. And sometimes you forget something important... aw shit. That probably won't ever change even though I know how pedestrian those words make me sound. It's therapeutic when I curse. It's my little way of shaking my fist to the sky and saying "fuck yeah."

But I have to type up the rest of my negotiation agreement. I just had to give my blog some love. I can't wait to see how this blog is going down the line... maybe you'll hear all about the Pennsylvania Bar Exam. Maybe you'll hear about all of these expensive weddings I'm in. Maybe you'll hear about moving back north... but for now, I love ya blog. Enjoy this new song addiction of mine. Because for now, some people are just people I used to know.

Gotye.