So, I've been studying all day taking little breaks to tweet about my ideas, or check in with home. Sunday has traditionally always been a reflective day for me. The obvious reason is that it's the Holy day of the week. The less obvious reason is that Sunday was always family day growing up. A big Irish Catholic family, we met for everything. There were babies born left and right and in the Catholic tradition, each milestone gets a celebration... so growing up I was always with my cousins on the weekends, either side. But either way, after studying all day (and will be studying all night), Sunday has always been reflection day and family day.
I always had Italian family around. I was really lucky for that because Italian culture and Irish culture are super rich in moral and value, and at the end of the day, it's all about your blood. Blood is thicker than water, and even if there's family drama, at the end of the day we drop what we're doing for each other and we're just genuinely there for each other. I know it's gross to some or pathetic to some, but I am super excited for Sunday night television because I enjoy my daily dose of home. It used to be because of Once Upon a Time, and that show is still cool, but my heart belongs to Long Island Medium and Real Housewives of New Jersey (you have to prioritize during law school, especially during finals). The personalities on those shows are like caricatures of my friends and family at home. The focus on today's RHONJ was family and seeing past differences. It's been exhausting being a connector/mediator in my family. My mom is rough, she always means well and we are at a great place right now. But I'm also extremely vulnerable with finals so it's really easy to make it work because I am at my rope and stressed, so all I talk about is school and how I feel lonely here, etc. I love my mom, and I hope this stays. Today's shows reinforced, though, that family is forever and that at the end of the day, my mom will be there for me over friends and strangers.
I also learned this year that friends come and go. It's like a frickin' revolving door in my life. Some friends have proven themselves as forever friends, and some really hurt me, still not giving that moment of forever friend for me. At the end of the day though, they're not family. So if I don't seem some people again, eh, so bad so sad. I have Joe, I have my family, and I have a bright future. I'm so thankful for those things! I am so happy Joe got into his PhD program. I seriously think that's why I am also so reflective and have so much to say.
Ya know, those that know me, know that dating was not easy... you can scoff and laugh at that (Oh I saw that one coming... eh, eff off), it's true. I swore up and down that I was not going to find someone and that I was done looking. I was happy being single (which I genuinely was, especially after dating my wife-beaten ex-friend's boyfriend's ex-best friend... yea look at that description, did I mention he was pitiful and completely inconsiderate? did coke and the works...). I'm thankful for that experience though. It taught me I have more respect for myself, I'm over frat life, and I wanted something real if anything at all. Then Joe found me. Who knew? I will never forget the first time I saw him... I was completely smitten and scared shitless.
It's just surreal. Lately I've been panicked, I am so afraid a ball is going to fall out of the air. I've had so much happen. I seriously had a friend tell me that I should date someone else, knowing I was thinking about that next step with Joe and not knowing at all if we'd work out, but serious with Joe enough that to say that was completely inappropriate. I've felt like, for awhile, I forfeited my right to be mad about it because I didn't address it then and there. Luckily, I had a girl's chat night with a friend at law school and realized that I've been carrying this around for a year of school. Obviously, not okay. I never once solicited advice for her to do something about her relationship. I listened. I was supportive, even after being crucified. And sadly, I still care about how that friendship works out, and I just shouldn't. It's been an eye-opener. Joe is my person, and we were getting to the crossroads we are at now and just needed encouragement. From now on, those comments won't fly, and I won't feel that I've forfeited feelings.
My friend said something very poignant that I was losing sight of: You don't say nothin' about my family or my life unless I am at rock-bottom and seriously need it. At the time the comment was said, Joe and I were okay, completely. Completely inappropriate.
It is crazy to me that this summer, Joe and I will be looking into an apartment for when I'm out of law school. He's gonna either have a house with roommates the first year and feel out the housing market or we might find that dream apartment, it's just insane. I'm going to a city I never saw myself going to. I'll be sitting for live bar prep. There is just so much stress that's good, but I am just waiting for something to fail. I'm used to getting shafted right before something good happens but I have worked so hard for myself, and Joe and my Mom are telling me to keep my head up, even if I've been used and taken for granted by others. I am so thankful for that.
Joe and I had that talk about what happens next. He asked me to move in with him after school, we're working out how I can get to my live on-site bar review, working out some pretty serious things and I'm just so happy. He also knows I don't just move in. To me, that's a serious commitment. I don't stand for being screwed over and Joe knows that one or two rings has to be in the near future to make this happen. It's crazy that Joe appreciates and knows that. So basically, everything is going to work out with Joe. I am so happy. I'm thankful I have my family to celebrate with. I can't wait to cross the stage next year (god-willing) and know I did this. I did this on a whim, but I think it goes to my character: strong, smart, resourceful and a little crazy.... lol
I can't wait to go home and relax. I am just on eggshells and ready to start my job this summer. I have so much to celebrate: four weddings, Joe's PhD program, my paid legal job, bright futures and loving family. Today has been stressful and awesome. I am so glad I checked in with everybody and I am just so ready for home. Time to eat and then hit the books again! Wills Trusts and Estates, I'm coming for you!
Vienna waits for you.
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