That new song by "Wanted" called "Glad You Came" is my mantra to life right now. Life literally feels like it's slipping by. The spring/summer weather, finals around the corner, Easter this weekend... Someone pump the breaks!!
I am excited that summer is almost here but I am not prepared for finals. I mean I'm waking up at 5pm to study like a mofo, but I should be studying now and what am I doing? Blogging. Luckily, I deleted Facebook. I'm also limiting my Pinterest time... great invention for creative people seeking inspiration, horrible invention for law students craving real life. Twitter, is what it is, and I limit my time there only because I'm not overly thrilled with the concept of summing up my moments in 160 characters or less. Let's face it, I can be long-winded.
You know, someone said that it was pathetic that people have to monitor their time on social media. I think it's a testament to the person's willpower, but everyone has their "thing." Everyone has that aspect of themselves they simply have to be conscious about controlling. I don't think that's pathetic at all. But I am also someone who is extremely sensitive to addicts. I get it... I love talking to people back home, I am also 16 hours away in a completely different world, so I can rationalize my love for social media all the live long day. But making a judgment call is kinda stupid. I guarantee the person that made the comment has something weird that they do that they have no willpower to control, or I like to think they do. Like maybe they have to watch TV naked? Or maybe they have to eat one or two pickles a day? Who are we to judge people bettering themselves? If anything, you should be thanking me I am no longer compulsively checking my status updates and posting things like "I miss home" or "I love peanut butter"... If you haven't already deleted me from your Livefeed.
I am guilty of deleting from LiveFeed. Chances are if you've pissed me off in the last year or two, or any time you post it's something fluffy, or if you're glorifying the Republican party, you're probably on my hide list. I realize I am easily angered, people post fluffy shit all the time, and many people are Republicans, so you can imagine my LiveFeed is nothing short of interesting. You learn a lot about the people you don't normally give the time of day to operating your social networks the way I sometimes choose to operate mine. And it's funny, because someone will say "Have you seen xyz?" and I feel so lost and angered, but oh, hey cybil, you deleted that one when they said they love their boyfriend omgz so much lolz andhearts togetha foreva.... remember?
Anyway, I'm really opening up my eyes to who I am and where I am at in life. I realize, the people I am closest with now has even changed from last year. I either can't keep a good friend, looking more probable these days, or I am morphing too fast to keep a steady friend to keep up with me. Recently, I've reconnected with old music interests (instead of just liking country, I realized I'm a yankee and I can't do songs about cars and dogs all day, although I love country still). I reconnected with my political junkie side. I put that on the back burner because that's what I thought you're supposed to do in law school. I thought you had to forfeit interests. Little did I know, keeping them makes me a so much better person. So what I have to take ten minutes out of my day to see the new releases in the music world? Who cares if I had to look up a recipe or two to take a break from studying piercing of the corporate veil? If that means I fail out, I graciously accept that. I am interested in life and what comes after.
Seriously, it hit me the other day that eventually, I will no longer be a student. Of course I treat every day like a classroom and I'll never close my mind to learning new things ever (and my profession forces us to go to CLEs, yay?) but at some point, tuition will be done. Maybe I'll even be able to afford a small, economic car! Maybe I will have fresh produce that lasts more than 2 days? Or maybe I won't groan at the electrical bill! Someday I will stop worrying, and it will be a wonderful feeling. I'll always be a neurotic worrywort, but THIS worrying will cease.
Joe gets here on Friday. It's wonderful. I am lucky and I find our love precious. (You can delete me from your livefeed now ;) ) I realized some people don't like me because they're jealous. That's cool. I don't need your jealousy. I have great friends, they may change like the tide, but I don't care. I appreciate whoever is team Katie. It's nice. I also have an amazing dog who loves me TOO much. I have a nice postage stamp of an apartment that feels like home more than any place ever has. I have neighbors who follow the "mountain way" and constantly surprise me with how good people can be. Joe loves me without condition. He has his ways about him, but without those idiosyncratic ways, I don't know if our life would be the same. Just like, he puts up with my "OMG FREAKOUT" moments and calm, detached moments, and everything in between. So if people aren't on board or are acting strange, screw you. I'll be here when you get your act together or decide I'm cool again.
I seriously don't get hot or cold people, and I am one of them. I am SO guilty. But, I think even when hot or cold, I'm always warm. I always care. Sometimes I care too much so I shut up and hide inside because I don't want to be anymore vulnerable than my last failed attempt at it. If I withdraw or I'm not open, it's either because you're being a shit lately, I'm mirroring your behavior, or I am just on a break from you. I don't think people know how to unplug from things. I mean I'm blogging feelings right now, again guilty. But sometimes people don't know how to unplug from each other. I don't need to know how you're doing all the time, or what you think all the time. I appreciate updates, but if you do you and I'm not involved, I'd rather be cut out completely. It makes my healing process for the time being easier.
I am sensitive. I think sensitive is hot, honestly. I mean, it means I care. I'd rather care too much than not care at all, no matter how many times I wish the opposite while crying on my bathroom floor listening to something super gay while eating cadbury mini eggs.... you know how that is, don't judge, it's a stressful Easter season. Maybe you drink or exercise when you're at your max.... sometimes I do those things, too. But I have one good cry a week... and then life moves on. It's not depression. That's that, I can't get outta bed shit. No, this is, I AM AT MY MAX and JUST ONE MORE MINUTE OF SHAMELESS CRYING. It's normal. And if you don't believe me watch Everybody Loves Raymond... Deborah explains this feminine need perfectly... and no, wiseass, it's not PMS. It's being an overstressed woman in today's society, surrounded by fakes and phonies, and just needing that outlet to be your genuine human self.
I don't know what I would do without my neighbors this year. Honestly... I think that our town's locals are some of the NICEST people ever. I have never been treated with such kindness. I do miss the NYC edge, and it will be refreshing when I go back but it gets old. Frankly, most of my NY friends and family are kinda rude now. I understand what I must've looked like when I first moved south. I am by no means a southerner, but I'm not really the stereotype of a yankee anymore either. I'm myself. The move down south made me realize that it doesn't matter where you're from, or where you're going, as long as you're trying to be the best self that you can be.
I still try not to curse, but let's be real, some words just feel good. Like letting out that F bomb after you stubbed your newly manicured toes? Yea... c'mon, you know how good that word feels. Or calling a catty bitch a catty bitch... Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade. And sometimes you forget something important... aw shit. That probably won't ever change even though I know how pedestrian those words make me sound. It's therapeutic when I curse. It's my little way of shaking my fist to the sky and saying "fuck yeah."
But I have to type up the rest of my negotiation agreement. I just had to give my blog some love. I can't wait to see how this blog is going down the line... maybe you'll hear all about the Pennsylvania Bar Exam. Maybe you'll hear about all of these expensive weddings I'm in. Maybe you'll hear about moving back north... but for now, I love ya blog. Enjoy this new song addiction of mine. Because for now, some people are just people I used to know.
Gotye.
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