For starters, Joe was here this weekend and it was by far the most stressful, yet best time. I have been just this ball of nerves with my grandma being so sick, being homesick, Murphy acting up, feeling lonely at school, and of course FINALS. Joe's car broke down on the way in to town. I thought I was going to die. Luckily, Joe knows me enough to make me his last phone call after there's a plan in action, things are okay, and I can't spiral into further panic. It worries me so much when he travels. I feel so responsible when things don't go right. If it weren't for me living in bumblefuck, would he have these issues? Would he be taking this much time out of his life? I don't know. And I have to stop worrying because after 3 years, it's obvious he's not going anywhere and he enjoys the drama of our life together.
I've actually stopped hanging out with people who have overly-guessed the strength of Joe and I. I can appreciate a good challenge from time to time because I'm secure in my relationship. Joe and I have had many trials and tribulations... we're 23/24 and live 9 hours apart, trying to build our careers... it's bound to be dynamic and dramatic. But there are a few people who prodded too much, hurt my feelings, and I'm over it. You're either on the Joe and Katie bandwagon or you're not because he is the best thing to happen to me and I am lucky to have such great support. The stuff we fight over has been building a foundation and I'd rather sort it out now than be quiet, unhappy down the line knocked up in a kitchen wishing we addressed these issues in our earlier years.
About support, I was very unfair to my friend. We went to Easter mass with him and his girlfriend, Mandy Jo. I was very nervous about this relationship because she was so fresh out of an engagement with what seemed like her college sweetheart... But I learned so much these past 2-3 days and realized that I was being a total hypocrite: Mandy and Dom are adorable and Mandy has been through some serious shit. Mandy had issues with a dear, dear friend of mine, Mel. But I wasn't too involved, I was just appalled at what I was hearing. I seriously think that those issues were happening when* Mandy was trying to keep things together during a tough time she didn't publicize, and I won't publicize, and rightfully so. I don't know how I would handle an evangelist ego-maniac, or feeling forced to marry. I thought that was way of Mandy playing the blame game, and I just feel so bad for thinking that she was making it up.
I guess that's what happens when you're best friend starts dating someone, you worry a lot that they won't get hurt. I know I am always victim to it and sometimes I distance so much from the potential life-destroyer that it ruins my friendships. I mean, to be fair, myself and most of my friends haven't had the best track record to date. I am trying to keep an open mind but I go to a school where people cheat on each other, drink ALL the time, have "school buddies" and boyfriends/girlfriends back home, etc. I didn't really experience this too much in undergrad. For the most part, everyone was extremely outright about everything and you could tell who was good people and who was not right at first glance. Down here, there seem to be wolves in sheep's clothing and I hope and pray my friends don't find them. I've seen my best friends' life destroyed by domestic violence, jealousy, binge drinking, etc. So I know where the spiral winds up. I'm sure it's hard for my friends to see my response to their dating: I'm not their mom, I have no say, and I shouldn't care. I've just seen so much in my life, even though I am super young, and I fear that my friends are going to get hurt (especially when they buddy up with someone who's already hurt them... THAT'S THE WORST. My friend just married that guy).
Luckily, Joe is my person and we've grown a lot as a couple*. At Easter dinner, someone told us we were very well-suited for each other, in a healthy, positive way. That made me happy. Since my life-changing awful break up and transfer of undergrads, I've been working hard to be healthy, stay healthy and to do the right thing. I filtered out a lot of shitty people and tried to stay open-minded. I am no longer half as guarded as I used to be and I've let down my false ego enough so people see I'm normal. I enjoy the day to day, my dog, studying, writing, and learning. It was amazing to share Easter dinner with my new circle of friends. I am blessed to have so many friends from NY*, NJ, VA, and WV. It was truly a hilarious dinner. Murphy played with his best friend Rocky. We had enough food for our small army of 10 and we ate dessert to boot! We had great dinner convo and everyone left after 3 hours so we could begin our excursion to the Vigil.
The Vigil was some powerful stuff. The Gregorian chanting, Primordial fire, Latin, and frankincense... Truly moving. But it was 2 hours and we barely finished the Liturgy of the word (with two more liturgies that follow). So at the 2 hour mark, Dom, Mandy, Joe and I decided we couldn't stay. We had a 2 hour drive back and it was already 10:30pm...
After being in 7 car accidents (give or take a couple) you know the feeling of an impending crash. Looking into headlights going the wrong way, breathing hard, looking around to figure out if it's safe to escape... Well on the way back, a seemingly drunk driver was headed south on the northbound side of the parkway. Dom slowed the car down enough to where we had about 7 seconds to maneuver. The car next to use was slowing down in case the maniac decided to swerve and all I did was look at Joe and breathe really hard. I could've sworn we were going to die. Dom luckily moved the car into the next lane and we were okay... Mandy put it best, "I don't know whether I want to puke or cry." That was seriously a life changing moment. I was almost in a full, head on collision on the interstate.
There aren't many things you can say after that happens. Joe managed to break the ice in his big, lovable way. "We are so lucky." We really are. I think we were saved because we were doing the right thing: spending time with our Grundy family, going to church on the big holiday and working hard at school. Joe seems to think God was telling us never to skip on Communion again.... but I really saw it as: You've been struggling with motivation, having self-doubt and worrying about petty things... time to see the bigger picture. Life is a gift, a blessing. I need to stop making other people such a priority. I need to appreciate my life so much more. I need to let go of some hurt and fear that still linger there even if I don't want them to.
This will really be a challenge but I took this near-death experience as a learning moment: Stop. Think. Appreciate. That's precisely what happened during that moment. I stopped, thought about my life, looked at Joe and appreciated that I am living my dream and I have a supportive, loving partner on my journey. This Easter, I had the biggest A-ha moment. Time to crush my competition, crush my inner self-depreciating thoughts, and tell the world like it is: I'm Katie, I am a good person and if you don't see that or appreciate it, you're missing out.
Happy Easter. I hope you are able to avoid oncoming traffic like I was... I hope you find something life changing today. And I hope that if you have something on your mind, you're proactive about it and work on what you think will make you a better person. God Bless :)
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