Summer

It finally feels like summer and it ends in a month. So sad. I would write and post more, but this summer is one for the books. I would also probably get in trouble for my posts considering how many things have gone wrong and how impatient I am with characters in my life lol

But this weekend is finally my long-awaited reunion trip with Kim Tucker <3


And my scarecrow dreams,
When they smashed my heart into smithereens,
Be a bright red rose come bursting the concrete.
Be a cartoon heart,
Light a fire, a fire, a spark
Light a fire, a flame in my heart.
We'll run wild,
We'll be glowing in the dark.

Memorial Day Weekend

This weekend was fabulous. I spent it in PA, as everything is ironed out. It finally hit me that it's summer vacation. It seems like my breathing and allergies are finally under control. I have a pretty decent GPA and right now my boyfriend has decided to distract me.... after spending a lovely weekend COMPLETELY outside :) with great friends and family ... made mountain pies by a bonfire and swam in the pool. I went to church to pay homage to our fallen heroes and Thank God for my many many blessings... Life is good, summer is here and I am living my dream life. I wish my health and patience would last while in Grundy, but beggars can't be choosers.

Time to play some of the boss to celebrate the best season of the year: summer :) And I am not not not a lobster! yay
Brucey <3

Sweet, Sweet Victory.

I am now what you would call a 3L.... Holy cow has time flown! I received my grades today and I cannot tell you just how happy I am... I am so relieved that all I want to do is sleep. I got an A- in the class where the exam day I was in the hospital all morning dying. OMG.

I wish I could write more but working for a state level firm is killing me. It is so busy and exciting, quite wonderful, but my body is so relieved from my grades that all I want to do is sleep. I can finally stop worrying for the summer. I raised my GPA and received an A in the area of law I wish to practice.

God is good.

How I feel today.

Summer Vacation

So I must admit, whatever the outcome: 3L or not, I am so proud of myself for working through one of the largest allergy attacks of my life. I have looked up every Sulfa drug or sulfur based drug since this incident and the future doesn't seem as dim. I do need to figure out what exactly my allergies are. The Business and Student Services offices were absolutely delightful and I am so thankful that the women in there are moms, allergy sufferers (only because they understand), and caring southern women. Checking in with them every day to make sure I was okay made Grundy a lot more lovable than the Grundy I experienced last year: Sucks to be you kid.

I was out last night watching the Ranger game with Joe and his Karate family and everyone was asking why I want to be a lawyer. Last year that question was usually responded with a less personal reason: it seemed the right thing to do at the time under grad graduation rolled around. Now, it's: I can't imagine doing anything else. It fulfills a deeper part of me. When everyone asks what type of law I want to do, they get confused. I talk about criminal defense a lot (this is a very prosecution happy town which I like but man, do crim defense get a bad rep). I also talk about government work a lot, and that's because that's my background thus far. Right now though, I'm really into estate planning and helping people plan for their future. It really shouldn't be such a surprise though: I'm super nosy so I want to see where people want to put their things after they die, and I am such a planner, this is the ultimate way to help other people plan, too!

I stick out like a sore thumb in Williamsport, not as badly as in Grundy but oh do I! I am quite liberal and I've reconnected with that side of me. It must be because it is an election year, so the topics are hot and there is buzz everywhere. This is quite a conservative place. I don't understand why: no one is too rich here. Joe's Karate family has done well for themselves so I understand why most of his buddies are fiscally conservative and socially liberal. But after being in town periodically for three years, I do not understand why the rest of the town is Republican. The only thing I can think is that that's what their parents are and the older generation has the money so monkey-see, monkey-do. I am proud to be part of the Democratic Women of Williamsport and my boss is a big supporter!

I was supposed to start work tomorrow but my boss is still out of town, so Thursday is the new start date. I am kinda glad though because the dreams about failing out are just now starting to dissipate. I still worry but it's not like it's been for the last month: waking up in cold sweats, headaches, vomitting, etc. Some ailments were allergy related, others complete stress. It sucks to have your body in disrepair when it is the most important time to be all systems go. So I think, since now I am finally catching up on sleep, finally feeling a little bettter (my muscles are still super sore and my stomach still isn't 100%), Thursday isn't such a bad start date. I can already feel my finals bloating going down! I also don't eat that much so it's no wonder I am feeling lighter.

Joe and I went food shopping yesterday. It was amazing to be in a town with variety. There is a fresh olive bar, hot peppers, all types of cheeses, etc. The thing is, when I have more choices, I satisfy more of my cravings and honestly eat less. It's when I'm in Grundy, I don't have all my comfort foods so I am perpetually uncomfortable with my food cravings and I eat like the Salami Kid from Salute your Shorts... Grundy = Chubby. Summer = Slender. I am working on carrying over some of the good food habits to Grundy but honestly, my focus is passing when I'm in my holler. If I am chubby and do well, woo hoo! Who cares? Joe and I don't live together yet anyway heh heh

Joe and I are making tacos for everyone tonight. We went all out because I was super excited to see a real Spanish section. Adobo, Sazon, chiles, kidney beans, nom nom nom. So everyone is in for a treat tonight! I am very thankful I can stay here, even though Joe's job is perpetually pissing us off. They just gave Joe the night shift.... thank GOD we live together for this summer. He will be at work from 11am-8pm, but at least it's not a graveyard shift. It's just very timing that they do this once I am in town. I couldn't imagine working at EPA and having this schedule shift... we'd have to wait til the weekends to talk.

Speaking of weekends, I have practically zero to myself. It seems like most of my weekends this summer require travel and only two of them are for things I set up for myself: Chicago and DC :) Everything else is for someone else's wedding, birthday, etc. I am trying not to let it stress me out, but financially I'm in the red and quite frankly, Joe and I have so much excitement going on with me going into my last year of school and Joe... JOE GOT INTO A PROGRAM FULL RIDE FULL STIPEND and you'd never know because Joe is the one who has to bring it up for any attention about it. It's kinda annoying. Unless you're getting married in this town, it's like "oh wow, you're smart? high-five..." what!? So I am excited to turn some of these weekends about everyone else into weekends for us. We are gonna treat each time we travel to celebrate someone else as a weekend get away. We will be present for the major events and the things we RSVP'd for but other than that, it's our time. We are a long distance couple that barely gets any recognition for being awesome, so we are just gonna enjoy our time together. If something gets too stressful, we will walk away.

What I don't think other people understand is that Joe and I have to watch our budget. Travel is a priority for us because we do live so far away. Joe and I are also going to be living on our own NEXT YEAR. So saving for real estate, bills, etc. is wildly important. We don't care about getting married tomorrow, if that's what everyone wants, sorry. I want Joe to save for that nice rock ;) lol Just kidding, sorta. But our focus isn't on wedding, even though we might want it to be, so being thrown in a season of weddings that are way out of our budget to even attend (hotels that cost $400 a night, airplane tickets of $400, etc.) is nothing short of overwhelming and I don't think family and friends get that. Our resistance has nothing to do with celebrating, we are so excited for everyone! Our reluctance to go all out has to do with being fiscally responsible and focusing on us and our future for a change, because one year is NOTHING. We just really wish that people were more understanding without being condescending or bitchy. We don't have the money tree everyone else seems to plant. I seriously think we have a dogwood!

I cannot wait to spend time with Candy Rivera <3

Murphy will be two in September and it freaks me out! He is such a mama's boy. Joe said that Murphy doesn't cuddle with him, or play with him incessantly. Murphy is my little shadow, who is not so little anymore. Last night, Murphy had his head on my shoulder while snuggled in a ball next to me snoring. I am going to try to make Murphy comfortable with being mushy with Joe. I just think they need to bond the way Murphy and I bond. Joe took Murphy to this great training program and it honestly did help us handle Murphy so much better. However, some things you can't fix about a dog and I firmly believe that. Like, at the end of the day, Murphy is still a growing puppy right now. He's calmed down some since we first got him, but that energy he has is insane. I think Murphy will always be organically hyper and that mellow will not be his thing until he's much older. I keep telling Joe that he is going to miss Murphy's goofy antics once they stop. It's just sad because Murphy is so big and he doesn't see that he is, so most of the damage is accidentally done when Murphy doesn't know his clearance! Murphy listens to me though so we have to get Joe team Murphy-Katie there.

My trip to NY was fabulous. I am very thankful for Jessica, a great friend who took me to the airport. We had a funny car ride. I learned about Cowboy driving and we chatted about all the craziness we experienced this semester. It was nice to just let loose with a girl friend who judges the same way I do! I was so nervous to fly alone that I couldn't even eat my Panera sandwich! That never happens lol I had to do my very first lay-over by myself. I know that sounds super childish, but I don't like to fly so that was momentous for me. I put on my big girl pants and sat in an airport! Luckily my layover was in Charlotte and I was there for Moot Court already. I knew the airport so I wasn't soooo freaked out. I flew into JFK circa 12am. I cried like a baby when I landed. I was so happy to see my family and smell that NY stank :P My mom was over joyed to see me because it must've been so scary to be far from your daughter with SJS. I had a cannoli once I got home (omfg delicious) and passed out til 9am... the beginning of the sleeping in! Went and got my nails done the next morning with my mom: french mani, pink pedi, and eyebrows = 30 dollars. HELL YES. It was so nice to have a NY mani pedi day. We actually ran into Carolyn! Very funny. I wasn't sure I was going to have time to see her so that was a nice surprise.

Then Joe got into town. I immediately am a happier person when he's around. I had everyone I care and love for under one roof. It was great. We ran some errands and then saw "The Avengers." The movie was epic. I didn't even know what I got myself into. All I knew was that Robert Downey Junior was in it and he is one handsome man. We stayed through the credits to watch the extra scenes... so good! I am officially the BIGGEST Iron Man fan ever... well no, I didn't dress up or anything but I do love Iron Man more than everyone else. Then the best part of my weekend happened: Joe and I went to TGI Friday's with Annie, Bobby and Ryan :) My St. James crew. I love those people so much! I am so happy Ryan did NOT move to Texas yet! Woops. Annie will always be my partner in crime and Bobby, Bobby and I could honestly be related the way we are both down for the count all the time. It was my family I chose for myself. I loved every minute of our time there. I had a nice big Cinco de Mayo margarita with my friends and we were dirty stay outs til 1am! Haven't done that in awhile!

I think that no matter where I go, I will always have Bobby, Ryan, and Miss Anna. We've been friends for almost 18 years... crazy. I really think it's because we all met at Church and were really involved in the Church. Importantly, we all stayed involved in the church. Our parents may have been over involved or too much to handle sometimes but they did a great job with us. At the end of the day, I will always make time for my St. James friends (that I stayed in touch with). But even if someone from Antioch/Discovery needed something, I would help. Our parish was just that way. Joe even said, "You're so different when you're home with these people. You're at ease and you're so happy." It's true. Love them! Irina, Jess and Melissa have become that for me in law school. Irina and Sean are officially engaged as of Saturday and I am so happy for them. I think most people hate on them because they don't understand it and because they are jealous. I admit I had both of those sentiments when they first started dating and I felt like I was losing a friend. But I learned, being team-couple and being supportive is so much more fun and easier than being protective. And honestly, people will come and go naturally. By just being there for each other, Joe and I have a real, great couple to hang with in Grundy now! No drama, no cheating, it's refreshing lol They're both Christian, with loving families, and values like us... It's so exciting and we can't wait to share their special day!

Well NY, that was the perfect dose of home. I saw everyone I needed to in a short but blissful outing, and then moved on to the next chapter: Summer Internship!

But I guess I should press my suits or something. I woke up about an hour ago because we watched the Ranger game last night... GO RANGERS! I was so proud I was crying. I love my hockey team and now that Joe loves them, too, #%&$*%^* YES! lol I cannot wait to see what this summer has in store for us! I will do my best to keep you posted. Now that I am in the real world, bloggees, it is difficult for me to find the time to sit and type. I am sure that on the weekends, Joe will not want me typing synopses of our lives; He'll just want me to live them. But I will have pictures and tid-bits for yas! Have a great week and remember you matter!

A song that fits my life!

Shingles? Rash? Idk

So I promised myself I would document when weird health things happen to me. I don't remember my last post, but if you need an update, I was in the hospital the morning of my first final exam. I'm sure some think panic or it's in my head... no. I woke up with anaphylaxis and it felt like there were knives in my body. I rushed myself to the doctor who's been dealing with me since I had this staph thing go on. I basically haven't felt well since Easter.

Turns out I had welts all up and down my trunk and legs. Luckily my arms were only slightly broken out and I wound up with only two hives on my face. The doctor who took care of my staph rushed me to the hospital. I hate when doctors don't tell you what's going on because it is really scary. You know something is wrong because they are looking at you like you're an exotic, dangerous animal but they don't tell you what's going on because if they do, you might panic and exacerbate the situation.

So at the second doctor, I was admitted to the hospital for "uncontrollable allergies/shingles" as my tag said. I looked down and about freaked. They gave me some hardcore benadryl and I had to wait three hours to be reevaluated. Little did I know, the doctor was in her office consulting with my allergy specialist in Bristol on what to do with me. Luckily I had my files sent to the other doctor I saw prior to being admitted, who then forwarded my medical info to this doctor who knew to call someone with a specialty in allergy and asthma.

It was getting close to exam time and I had to go because if I missed, fail. I was not about to fail the one subject I've really become passionate about and have been studying hardcore for for two months. I worked on my outline, made flashcards, did CALI lessons, etc... I pulled late nights with this class and had a study group three times a week. I was so nervous that I wouldn't be able to take this exam, of all the exams it had to be this one, because the hospital was freaking out that I was having a "syndrome." They wouldn't release me, so I walked out.

I WAS SO SCARED. I've never done that in my life. I literally called down the hall "I'm leaving for my exam now." I cried, I cried, I cried. I think people thought I was panicked about the exam. I was, but for different reasons. I had to sit for this exam on approx. 80 mg of benadryl. I had to fight to have my epi-pen, inhaler, benadryl, and water signed off on. Student services didn't even want me to take the exam but I knew if I waited to see if I could defer, I may have wasted exam time. See, you have to find the dean of the school, explain your case then see if he'll sign off on it. He was MIA and the exam was going to start and I didn't want to wait for his potential approval and either spend all my time waiting on his presence, or wait and then be rejected. So I sat.

I had great motivation though. My friend sat for the exam and he had emergency surgery the night before. The two of us were on the hospital express bus to take this awful thing. I finally calmed down enough to sit and I sat in front of a registered nurse in our class. She assured me if I started to go into anaphylaxis, that she'd pause and inject me with an epi-pen. We had a pow-wow with the exam proctors on what to do in case I needed emergency medical services. I felt bad for everyone because it was obvious I was not okay but no one knew what was really going on with me, I didn't even know because I left the hospital before I had a true diagnosis.

Well I sat and finished and the rest is in God's hands on that exam. I prayed a special prayer all week that my dad gave me, for helpless causes. I hope that I've changed my ways enough to receive some blessing on that exam. I already think the lesson was that the people who you think hate on you might not, and will really help you when you're in need. I love going to school with non-traditional students because honestly a lot of them are mothers. It was really hard to show how vulnerable I was before the exam. I am very thankful for the director of student services because she really reached out to me and helped me. I cried while rocking in a rocking chair hugging my laptop unable to form words, sobbing because I was in so much pain. All I really wanted was my mom. It doesn't hit you that you're at a distance from your family until you are really sick and alone.

That's why I loved having moms around. I had someone I thought was just low life, come and hug me and say she'd say a prayer for me because she'd never seen me that down before. I mean I was really embarrassed that I couldn't get it together. I just felt these knives in my legs, trunk, and spine. Once the exam let out, I thanked everyone who really made a difference before the exam. I ran to my car, ran to Rite-Aid, filled my prescription and put the medicated cream on right away. I went home after picking up what I call a "pity pizza" and popped an atarax... aka horse tranq and went to sleep.

Joe came the next day and luckily my rash was less vile, even though he still shed a tear when he saw how bad it was the third day from its inception. I'm really blessed to have him though. He is the best support a woman can have. He made me stop studying, sit down, and tell him what happened. Joe didn't let me sit very long. We slept then the next day got a real diagnosis on this. I had Stevenson-Johnson syndrome... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stevens%E2%80%93Johnson_syndrome

And we caught it right away. I am so blessed that the medicines are working but I am petrified that something might go wrong. I am taking medicine that is making my welts look normal (not purple and they haven't spread!) and the atarax is meeting the antigens and killing it. I am SO LUCKY. I am proud that I was proactive and I am thankful that growing up my mom only took us to doctors who taught how to cope and deal with allergies. I am usually bad about going to the doctor but I knew something was seriously wrong. If I had waited, I could've died and that's what really scares me.

This situation makes me a little sad that my desire to transfer wasn't honored. A lot of my pains from last year were social, but at the end of the day, I am always uptight because things like this happen to me. This isn't normal and it's scary to be far away from your friends and family when you are seriously suffering. I am so lucky to be alive and I just wish I was thrown a bone and didn't get the wrong admission letter last time. I know God has a plan for me but I really want this trial and tribulation to end.

I am so lucky Joe came and made me take a breath. He reassured me that I started hardcore studying much earlier than my fellow classmates and that I know my material. I just need to slow down and let my exams show I wasn't like this all semester. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating it is to work so hard and then have to work even harder than everyone else because my body is super-sensitive. I liken it to ADD or ADHD but without the glamour of a pill that can fix it and in all seriousness, you don't run the risk of not breathing everyday from ADD. I don't get a special room, or extra time. I get an obstacle to beg for medicine while I take an exam. I know this will only make me a better person in the end and I know that law is not an easy profession, I am excited to overcome hurdles. I just wish I had a break from allergies. In all seriousness, this was the most painful experience I've had since my bee sting at age 7. I don't know if I can take another round of this, but if that's what being a lawyer means, I guess I'll have to prove myself through another near-death experience.

I cannot WAIT to fly out of this godforsaken town on Friday and see my family, boyfriend, and doctors at home. 1 down, 2 to go!

Rashes and Panic.

So, I was in the hospital all morning yesterday. I woke up and I was covered in hives and couldn't breathe.... I was so scared. Usually, I don't mind that I'm away from my family. My homesickness spikes at finals, for sure because I am stressed. However, there is nothing like going through anaphylaxis alone. It is the scariest thing ever. I woke up and felt like someone was choking me.

So I went to the local hospital just because I had an exam later and couldn't drive much further than that anyway. Well, what a morning. I'm allergic to Sulfur-based antibiotics, we learned.  Covered head to toe in purple welts. I cried the whole morning because I really thought I was dying... in the local hospital... before an exam. The doctor kept wanting to give me this steroid I'm also allergic to. She was great but not in the doctor knowledge realm, just patient care. She wound up calling my doctor in TN for advice, and he said the usual: atarax, a different steroid cream, and benadryl.

I fought to be released from the hospital to take my exam. The doctors did not want me to leave. I wound up unplugging myself and going to the exam and then once there, not only was I drugged up, I just had a huge panic attack because I wasn't feeling well and didn't want to fail because I was sick.

I was signed off to take my exam with my three emergency medications and luckily I sat in front of a registered nurse during the exam. I also had to have water with me since I had 80 mg of benadryl in my system and was dehydrating. But I did it, and I failed I'm sure. It's just so scary because that's what I want to do from now on. I really love Estate Planning and I just hope my grade doesn't prohibit me from pursuing that goal.

I came home, put as much steroid on myself as I could, took my atarax, and passed out. I was asleep by 9pm and woke up at 7am. I took another atarax and woke up at 9am... so 12 hours of sleep. My rash is still spreading a little but its not as purple. It's just red and I can feel my pulse through it... annoying. I can't wait for Joe to get here just so I can feel like god forbid something happens, Joe will be here to help me. But I have to make up for my lost 12 hours!

Relief.

So tomorrow is my first final. Holy crap. I have been studying for this one exam as if it were my only class! It scares me how much information we need to know. But I did speak with our professor for 3 hours yesterday and hashed out every concept I had even the slightest confusion about, and I stayed on campus and read our entire required text until I felt comfortable again... turns out, I am AOK. Oxford said that I was struggling because there is more to the general concepts he's introduced us to and I want the whole enchilada. He's really excited to work with me next year in his Estate Planning class and I can't wait to take it! I feel better, but who knows until the exam. Time to review chapter 7-9 again and do some hypos! Cheerio :)

I've been a good student and blogger for real!

So, I've been studying all day taking little breaks to tweet about my ideas, or check in with home. Sunday has traditionally always been a reflective day for me. The obvious reason is that it's the Holy day of the week. The less obvious reason is that Sunday was always family day growing up. A big Irish Catholic family, we met for everything. There were babies born left and right and in the Catholic tradition, each milestone gets a celebration... so growing up I was always with my cousins on the weekends, either side. But either way, after studying all day (and will be studying all night), Sunday has always been reflection day and family day.

I always had Italian family around. I was really lucky for that because Italian culture and Irish culture are super rich in moral and value, and at the end of the day, it's all about your blood. Blood is thicker than water, and even if there's family drama, at the end of the day we drop what we're doing for each other and we're just genuinely there for each other. I know it's gross to some or pathetic to some, but I am super excited for Sunday night television because I enjoy my daily dose of home. It used to be because of Once Upon a Time, and that show is still cool, but my heart belongs to Long Island Medium and Real Housewives of New Jersey (you have to prioritize during law school, especially during finals). The personalities on those shows are like caricatures of my friends and family at home. The focus on today's RHONJ was family and seeing past differences. It's been exhausting being a connector/mediator in my family. My mom is rough, she always means well and we are at a great place right now. But I'm also extremely vulnerable with finals so it's really easy to make it work because I am at my rope and stressed, so all I talk about is school and how I feel lonely here, etc. I love my mom, and I hope this stays. Today's shows reinforced, though, that family is forever and that at the end of the day, my mom will be there for me over friends and strangers.

I also learned this year that friends come and go. It's like a frickin' revolving door in my life. Some friends have proven themselves as forever friends, and some really hurt me, still not giving that moment of forever friend for me. At the end of the day though, they're not family. So if I don't seem some people again, eh, so bad so sad. I have Joe, I have my family, and I have a bright future. I'm so thankful for those things! I am so happy Joe got into his PhD program. I seriously think that's why I am also so reflective and have so much to say.

Ya know, those that know me, know that dating was not easy... you can scoff and laugh at that (Oh I saw that one coming... eh, eff off), it's true. I swore up and down that I was not going to find someone and that I was done looking. I was happy being single (which I genuinely was, especially after dating my wife-beaten ex-friend's boyfriend's ex-best friend... yea look at that description, did I mention he was pitiful and completely inconsiderate? did coke and the works...). I'm thankful for that experience though. It taught me I have more respect for myself, I'm over frat life, and I wanted something real if anything at all. Then Joe found me. Who knew? I will never forget the first time I saw him...  I was completely smitten and scared shitless.

It's just surreal. Lately I've been panicked, I am so afraid a ball is going to fall out of the air. I've had so much happen. I seriously had a friend tell me that I should date someone else, knowing I was thinking about that next step with Joe and not knowing at all if we'd work out, but serious with Joe enough that to say that was completely inappropriate. I've felt like, for awhile, I forfeited my right to be mad about it because I didn't address it then and there. Luckily, I had a girl's chat night with a friend at law school and realized that I've been carrying this around for a year of school. Obviously, not okay. I never once solicited advice for her to do something about her relationship. I listened. I was supportive, even after being crucified. And sadly, I still care about how that friendship works out, and I just shouldn't. It's been an eye-opener. Joe is my person, and we were getting to the crossroads we are at now and just needed encouragement. From now on, those comments won't fly, and I won't feel that I've forfeited feelings.

My friend said something very poignant that I was losing sight of: You don't say nothin' about my family or my life unless I am at rock-bottom and seriously need it. At the time the comment was said, Joe and I were okay, completely. Completely inappropriate.

It is crazy to me that this summer, Joe and I will be looking into an apartment for when I'm out of law school. He's gonna either have a house with roommates the first year and feel out the housing market or we might find that dream apartment, it's just insane. I'm going to a city I never saw myself going to. I'll be sitting for live bar prep. There is just so much stress that's good, but I am just waiting for something to fail. I'm used to getting shafted right before something good happens but I have worked so hard for myself, and Joe and my Mom are telling me to keep my head up, even if I've been used and taken for granted by others. I am so thankful for that.

Joe and I had that talk about what happens next. He asked me to move in with him after school, we're working out how I can get to my live on-site bar review, working out some pretty serious things and I'm just so happy. He also knows I don't just move in. To me, that's a serious commitment. I don't stand for being screwed over and Joe knows that one or two rings has to be in the near future to make this happen. It's crazy that Joe appreciates and knows that. So basically, everything is going to work out with Joe. I am so happy. I'm thankful I have my family to celebrate with. I can't wait to cross the stage next year (god-willing) and know I did this. I did this on a whim, but I think it goes to my character: strong, smart, resourceful and a little crazy.... lol

I can't wait to go home and relax. I am just on eggshells and ready to start my job this summer. I have so much to celebrate: four weddings, Joe's PhD program, my paid legal job, bright futures and loving family. Today has been stressful and awesome. I am so glad I checked in with everybody and I am just so ready for home. Time to eat and then hit the books again! Wills Trusts and Estates, I'm coming for you!

Vienna waits for you.

Allentown

First, I am finally feeling better. I had a systemic staph infection and even the antibiotics made me feel like crud. I have about 2-3 days more of those bad boys. Only in this freaking town man.

Second, Finals are killing me. I was waking up way early and studying way late, and I have been studying all semester... so my doctor is forcing me to take study breaks. For example, I promised on Saturday, I would start studying no earlier than 9am and stop at 5/6pm. I fought for that 6pm. I mean I feel better since I've been giving my brain a break for sure, and my study sessions are more productive. I just don't want anyone to have an edge over me. I'm tired of partying loonypants scoring better than me. I know my test anxiety is an issue, but it is getting better. It's just taking some time. I also have to bathe in apple vinegar.... it's just not an ideal time to be Katie right now.

Third and most important, Joe got into his Neuroscience PhD program!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited! He got a total fake out, too. The school sent him a "premature rejection" and now he has a full scholarship with a stipend to do his research! It's amazing. I have been praying since he applied. I now have somewhere to move into after graduation and it's only an hour from my bar review location (live professor, on site!). THANK GOD. I know he will move mountains with this program and he finally sounds excited about life. I cannot be happier!!

Fourth, my amazing friend and neighbor has let me borrow her car for the remainder of the semester. I've had to adjust my diet because my primary source of exercise was walking everywhere, but this miracle could not be more timely. Considering I felt like I couldn't walk about a week into borrowing the car, I swear she's an angel. God set that up because he knew I was sick before I knew! I was able to do things for myself: go to the doctor, get my hair done, I even got my first massage!

Fifth, about that massage... The place was different. The guy was intense. But the massage was amazing. I got extra time because the masseuse felt bad that he couldn't get all the kinks out. He said that I have a super athletic body and I have some super muscles (that are tight all the time) and that this summer I need to get back to team sports. Apparently my body is so tight all the time because I am not using my training in my sports: like volleyball, ballet, or basketball. So it's time to hit the courts this summer or something. If I do that, I'll probably feel better. I asked about going to the gym, but apparently my feet resemble professional athlete's feet. I have super high arches and I was even called out on the fact that because my arches are crazy, I rarely wear heels. I was told I was born to run... haha I couldn't stop singing Brucey in my head. Last time I heard that song, my friend Tom was running around a bar screaming the lyrics in all the "hot layday's faces." Mess.

Sixth, I need to pack and stuff. I'm not packing until at least the Thursday before Joe gets here but I do need to pack... We're going to NY and then PA. I really would like to see my grandmother. She's pretty ill. I know my mom makes it sound okay BUT let's be real: my gram is 87?, has alzheimers, emphysema, heart disease, colon cancer, and macular degeneration.... I need to visit before the summer officially starts. I also want to see what my parents have been up to. I miss my brother a lot and I know he still lives under my parents' roof, so he's probably stressed more than he lets on. And little Heidi girl, the family dog from hell, is getting older, too. She has a toy chicken with no teeth to play with, so she carries it around and lays it next to her and puts her paw on it. Insanity.

Seventh, I am signing up for the Long Island Medium. I play to win a reading every week and so far, no dice! I hope my mom gets a call and I can join her appointment.

But 7 is a lucky number and I can feel my brain relaxing and waking up! Time for some eggs and wills! love ya bloggies.

And we're living here in Allentown.

Find your lobster.

Find your lobster.

Make your life happy.

Joe is my lobster!

Con law and life.

So, my apartment is clean, my 12 hour study days are back in full force, and my walmart trips are more frequent. I unfortunately have a weird thing going on that I'm hoping I don't have to go to a doctor about but I will wait... I am doing my best to stay relaxed. It's almost impossible right now, and I've had a freakout or two... but I am doing well not being a rancid bitch. I'm pretty sure this is because I am making great choices, I'm mildly secluded, and I am almost done with the semester. I may be stressed about finals but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish I was even more prepared for finals. I am saving myself from burning out though.

I decided to devote my day to Con Law. Why? I have no clue. I am trying to learn and study, etc... but all I want to do is sleep. I am so tired! So I am listening to lectures for the exam. I've been studying with new people and it makes law school so much fun! The learning that goes on in study groups is great, but the jokes are even better! I love that people study through joking like I do. I mean, I'm not really gonna know how beneficial this is until the exam results are released but I have a good feeling!

I wish I could work out more. I'm getting some finals chub. But, I'd rather be a fat lawyer than a skinny failout. I just have to accept that right now, sitting on my couch listening to lectures, or sitting at the table listening, or sitting at a table reading, sitting sitting sitting is OKAY. I don't want to fail out for vanity sake.

But, g2g read and learn and study and stuff... happy Sunday!

Coffee and Gotye

I pulled an Irish Goodbye last night. It felt awful but I was beyond tired and wasn't even spunky enough to interact! I am popping Vitamin C's and hoping that this exhaustion is not a pending cold.. this happened last semester!

It did feel good to wake up and work on flashcards instead of getting home late and feeling the need to sleep in too long. Quick study break with my new obsession Gotye and a shower... thank God for Coffee! :)

Steven Tyler and I have this song on loop!

Gloria!

Happy Easter, blog friends! And what an Easter it has been...


For starters, Joe was here this weekend and it was by far the most stressful, yet best time. I have been just this ball of nerves with my grandma being so sick, being homesick, Murphy acting up, feeling lonely at school, and of course FINALS. Joe's car broke down on the way in to town. I thought I was going to die. Luckily, Joe knows me enough to make me his last phone call after there's a plan in action, things are okay, and I can't spiral into further panic. It worries me so much when he travels. I feel so responsible when things don't go right. If it weren't for me living in bumblefuck, would he have these issues? Would he be taking this much time out of his life? I don't know. And I have to stop worrying because after 3 years, it's obvious he's not going anywhere and he enjoys the drama of our life together. 


I've actually stopped hanging out with people who have overly-guessed the strength of Joe and I. I can appreciate a good challenge from time to time because I'm secure in my relationship. Joe and I have had many trials and tribulations... we're 23/24 and live 9 hours apart, trying to build our careers... it's bound to be dynamic and dramatic. But there are a few people who prodded too much, hurt my feelings, and I'm over it. You're either on the Joe and Katie bandwagon or you're not because he is the best thing to happen to me and I am lucky to have such great support. The stuff we fight over has been building a foundation and I'd rather sort it out now than be quiet, unhappy down the line knocked up in a kitchen wishing we addressed these issues in our earlier years.

About support, I was very unfair to my friend. We went to Easter mass with him and his girlfriend, Mandy Jo. I was very nervous about this relationship because she was so fresh out of an engagement with what seemed like her college sweetheart... But I learned so much these past 2-3 days and realized that I was being a total hypocrite: Mandy and Dom are adorable and Mandy has been through some serious shit. Mandy had issues with a dear, dear friend of mine, Mel. But I wasn't too involved, I was just appalled at what I was hearing. I seriously think that those issues were happening when* Mandy was trying to keep things together during a tough time she didn't publicize, and I won't publicize, and rightfully so. I don't know how I would handle an evangelist ego-maniac, or feeling forced to marry. I thought that was way of Mandy playing the blame game, and I just feel so bad for thinking that she was making it up. 

I guess that's what happens when you're best friend starts dating someone, you worry a lot that they won't get hurt. I know I am always victim to it and sometimes I distance so much from the potential life-destroyer that it ruins my friendships. I mean, to be fair, myself and most of my friends haven't had the best track record to date. I am trying to keep an open mind but I go to a school where people cheat on each other, drink ALL the time, have "school buddies" and boyfriends/girlfriends back home, etc. I didn't really experience this too much in undergrad. For the most part, everyone was extremely outright about everything and you could tell who was good people and who was not right at first glance. Down here, there seem to be wolves in sheep's clothing and I hope and pray my friends don't find them. I've seen my best friends' life destroyed by domestic violence, jealousy, binge drinking, etc. So I know where the spiral winds up. I'm sure it's hard for my friends to see my response to their dating: I'm not their mom, I have no say, and I shouldn't care. I've just seen so much in my life, even though I am super young, and I fear that my friends are going to get hurt (especially when they buddy up with someone who's already hurt them... THAT'S THE WORST. My friend just married that guy).


Luckily, Joe is my person and we've grown a lot as a couple*. At Easter dinner, someone told us we were very well-suited for each other, in a healthy, positive way. That made me happy. Since my life-changing awful break up and transfer of undergrads, I've been working hard to be healthy, stay healthy and to do the right thing. I filtered out a lot of shitty people and tried to stay open-minded. I am no longer half as guarded as I used to be and I've let down my false ego enough so people see I'm normal. I enjoy the day to day, my dog, studying, writing, and learning. It was amazing to share Easter dinner with my new circle of friends. I am blessed to have so many friends from NY*, NJ, VA, and WV. It was truly a hilarious dinner. Murphy played with his best friend Rocky. We had enough food for our small army of 10 and we ate dessert to boot! We had great dinner convo and everyone left after 3 hours so we could begin our excursion to the Vigil.


The Vigil was some powerful stuff. The Gregorian chanting, Primordial fire, Latin, and frankincense... Truly moving. But it was 2 hours and we barely finished the Liturgy of the word (with two more liturgies that follow). So at the 2 hour mark, Dom, Mandy, Joe and I decided we couldn't stay. We had a 2 hour drive back and it was already 10:30pm... 


After being in 7 car accidents (give or take a couple) you know the feeling of an impending crash. Looking into headlights going the wrong way, breathing hard, looking around to figure out if it's safe to escape... Well on the way back, a seemingly drunk driver was headed south on the northbound side of the parkway. Dom slowed the car down enough to where we had about 7 seconds to maneuver. The car next to use was slowing down in case the maniac decided to swerve and all I did was look at Joe and breathe really hard. I could've sworn we were going to die. Dom luckily moved the car into the next lane and we were okay... Mandy put it best, "I don't know whether I want to puke or cry." That was seriously a life changing moment. I was almost in a full, head on collision on the interstate. 


There aren't many things you can say after that happens. Joe managed to break the ice in his big, lovable way. "We are so lucky." We really are. I think we were saved because we were doing the right thing: spending time with our Grundy family, going to church on the big holiday and working hard at school. Joe seems to think God was telling us never to skip on Communion again.... but I really saw it as: You've been struggling with motivation, having self-doubt and worrying about petty things... time to see the bigger picture. Life is a gift, a blessing. I need to stop making other people such a priority. I need to appreciate my life so much more. I need to let go of some hurt and fear that still linger there even if I don't want them to. 

This will really be a challenge but I took this near-death experience as a learning moment: Stop. Think. Appreciate. That's precisely what happened during that moment. I stopped, thought about my life, looked at Joe and appreciated that I am living my dream and I have a supportive, loving partner on my journey. This Easter, I had the biggest A-ha moment. Time to crush my competition, crush my inner self-depreciating thoughts, and tell the world like it is: I'm Katie, I am a good person and if you don't see that or appreciate it, you're missing out. 

Happy Easter. I hope you are able to avoid oncoming traffic like I was... I hope you find something life changing today. And I hope that if you have something on your mind, you're proactive about it and work on what you think will make you a better person. God Bless :)

I'm on Fire!

Can you spend a little time? Time is slipping away.

That new song by "Wanted" called "Glad You Came" is my mantra to life right now. Life literally feels like it's slipping by. The spring/summer weather, finals around the corner, Easter this weekend... Someone pump the breaks!!

I am excited that summer is almost here but I am not prepared for finals. I mean I'm waking up at 5pm to study like a mofo, but I should be studying now and what am I doing? Blogging. Luckily, I deleted Facebook. I'm also limiting my Pinterest time... great invention for creative people seeking inspiration, horrible invention for law students craving real life. Twitter, is what it is, and I limit my time there only because I'm not overly thrilled with the concept of summing up my moments in 160 characters or less. Let's face it, I can be long-winded.

You know, someone said that it was pathetic that people have to monitor their time on social media. I think it's a testament to the person's willpower, but everyone has their "thing." Everyone has that aspect of themselves they simply have to be conscious about controlling. I don't think that's pathetic at all. But I am also someone who is extremely sensitive to addicts. I get it... I love talking to people back home, I am also 16 hours away in a completely different world, so I can rationalize my love for social media all the live long day. But making a judgment call is kinda stupid. I guarantee the person that made the comment has something weird that they do that they have no willpower to control, or I like to think they do. Like maybe they have to watch TV naked? Or maybe they have to eat one or two pickles a day? Who are we to judge people bettering themselves? If anything, you should be thanking me I am no longer compulsively checking my status updates and posting things like "I miss home" or "I love peanut butter"... If you haven't already deleted me from your Livefeed. 

I am guilty of deleting from LiveFeed. Chances are if you've pissed me off in the last year or two, or any time you post it's something fluffy, or if you're glorifying the Republican party, you're probably on my hide list. I realize I am easily angered, people post fluffy shit all the time, and many people are Republicans, so you can imagine my LiveFeed is nothing short of interesting. You learn a lot about the people you don't normally give the time of day to operating your social networks the way I sometimes choose to operate mine. And it's funny, because someone will say "Have you seen xyz?" and I feel so lost and angered, but oh, hey cybil, you deleted that one when they said they love their boyfriend omgz so much lolz andhearts togetha foreva.... remember? 

Anyway, I'm really opening up my eyes to who I am and where I am at in life. I realize, the people I am closest with now has even changed from last year. I either can't keep a good friend, looking more probable these days, or I am morphing too fast to keep a steady friend to keep up with me. Recently, I've reconnected with old music interests (instead of just liking country, I realized I'm a yankee and I can't do songs about cars and dogs all day, although I love country still). I reconnected with my political junkie side. I put that on the back burner because that's what I thought you're supposed to do in law school. I thought you had to forfeit interests. Little did I know, keeping them makes me a so much better person. So what I have to take ten minutes out of my day to see the new releases in the music world? Who cares if I had to look up a recipe or two to take a break from studying piercing of the corporate veil? If that means I fail out, I graciously accept that. I am interested in life and what comes after.

Seriously, it hit me the other day that eventually, I will no longer be a student. Of course I treat every day like a classroom and I'll never close my mind to learning new things ever (and my profession forces us to go to CLEs, yay?) but at some point, tuition will be done. Maybe I'll even be able to afford a small, economic car! Maybe I will have fresh produce that lasts more than 2 days? Or maybe I won't groan at the electrical bill! Someday I will stop worrying, and it will be a wonderful feeling. I'll always be a neurotic worrywort, but THIS worrying will cease. 

Joe gets here on Friday. It's wonderful. I am lucky and I find our love precious. (You can delete me from your livefeed now ;) ) I realized some people don't like me because they're jealous. That's cool. I don't need your jealousy. I have great friends, they may change like the tide, but I don't care. I appreciate whoever is team Katie. It's nice. I also have an amazing dog who loves me TOO much. I have a nice postage stamp of an apartment that feels like home more than any place ever has. I have neighbors who follow the "mountain way" and constantly surprise me with how good people can be. Joe loves me without condition. He has his ways about him, but without those idiosyncratic ways, I don't know if our life would be the same. Just like, he puts up with my "OMG FREAKOUT" moments and calm, detached moments, and everything in between. So if people aren't on board or are acting strange, screw you. I'll be here when you  get your act together or decide I'm cool again. 

I seriously don't get hot or cold people, and I am one of them. I am SO guilty. But, I think even when hot or cold, I'm always warm. I always care. Sometimes I care too much so I shut up and hide inside because I don't want to be anymore vulnerable than my last failed attempt at it. If I withdraw or I'm not open, it's either because you're being a shit lately, I'm mirroring your behavior, or I am just on a break from you. I don't think people know how to unplug from things. I mean I'm blogging feelings right now, again guilty. But sometimes people don't know how to unplug from each other. I don't need to know how you're doing all the time, or what you think all the time. I appreciate updates, but if you do you and I'm not involved, I'd rather be cut out completely. It makes my healing process for the time being easier. 

I am sensitive. I think sensitive is hot, honestly. I mean, it means I care. I'd rather care too much than not care at all, no matter how many times I wish the opposite while crying on my bathroom floor listening to something super gay while eating cadbury mini eggs.... you know how that is, don't judge, it's a stressful Easter season. Maybe you drink or exercise when you're at your max.... sometimes I do those things, too. But I have one good cry a week... and then life moves on. It's not depression. That's that, I can't get outta bed shit. No, this is, I AM AT MY MAX and JUST ONE MORE MINUTE OF SHAMELESS CRYING. It's normal. And if you don't believe me watch Everybody Loves Raymond... Deborah explains this feminine need perfectly... and no, wiseass, it's not PMS. It's being an overstressed woman in today's society, surrounded by fakes and phonies, and just needing that outlet to be your genuine human self.

I don't know what I would do without my neighbors this year. Honestly... I think that our town's locals are some of the NICEST people ever. I have never been treated with such kindness. I do miss the NYC edge, and it will be refreshing when I go back but it gets old. Frankly, most of my NY friends and family are kinda rude now. I understand what I must've looked like when I first moved south. I am by no means a southerner, but I'm not really the stereotype of a yankee anymore either. I'm myself. The move down south made me realize that it doesn't matter where you're from, or where you're going, as long as you're trying to be the best self that you can be.

I still try not to curse, but let's be real, some words just feel good. Like letting out that F bomb after you stubbed your newly manicured toes? Yea... c'mon, you know how good that word feels. Or calling a catty bitch a catty bitch... Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade. And sometimes you forget something important... aw shit. That probably won't ever change even though I know how pedestrian those words make me sound. It's therapeutic when I curse. It's my little way of shaking my fist to the sky and saying "fuck yeah."

But I have to type up the rest of my negotiation agreement. I just had to give my blog some love. I can't wait to see how this blog is going down the line... maybe you'll hear all about the Pennsylvania Bar Exam. Maybe you'll hear about all of these expensive weddings I'm in. Maybe you'll hear about moving back north... but for now, I love ya blog. Enjoy this new song addiction of mine. Because for now, some people are just people I used to know.

Gotye.

The Port

Well I guess it's been awhile... The updates are:
1. I am staying with the boyfriend this summer
2. I will have a paying legal internship that focuses on my favorite class right now
3. My grandma is successfully in a nursing home that focuses on her disease
4. I am most likely going to be on Shakeology next month


I mean, I can't say I'm not happy. I am. But I am so hard on myself that I'm kicking myself for only studying 4-5 hours a day. Usually I pull 7-8 hour days, but this time around I just couldn't do it, and I feel like now I really need to. I can so make dean's list this semester, but I am so burned out from the stress that I cause myself that I'm worried I won't be able to.


I'm extremely proud of myself though. I did not wait on things like I normally do, I got involved with my friends at school this semester (even though that was an internal challenge... it's almost harder to be social after withdrawing for a bit than just working through it to begin with...). I haven't let people take my happiness, and I have been vocal. I think some relationships I have are still in repair but I know that if people are my friends, then the true ones will work it out with me in due time. I'm not going to force myself or try too hard anymore. I'm satisfied where I'm at in life and those who want to join are invited to. 


Joe and I are back to where we needed to be. IT IS AWESOME. He took me out on dates this break, and we saw movies. We hung out with our friends in town... We don't bicker all the time. It's amazing. I think we are just so excited to be a normal couple this summer! lol


Murphy will not leave my side. He is obsessed with me and I love it.


Having this interview today, I truly feel motivated again. I feel like I am back on track, and that my resume will be where it needs to be when I graduate. I love that I am appreciated and that my hard work is noticed. I definitely need to work on my stress and nerves; my first interview was painfully awkward. However, I am also really young. I tend to forget that I am a lot younger than the "average student," because of my awful toils living with someone younger than myself last year. I assume I'm the average age but I always forget the first year average age was 2 years older than I was when I started... crazy. 


I went to a Democratic Women's club with gram last night. She was adorable. She told everyone she hopes I'll be her future granddaughter in law. I thought that was really sweet. She also helped me find this job. She's someone I really look up to and I know she's grooming me for bigger things.


I am going to try to get on board with shakeology but it's so expensive. I might just make a blended shake full of good shit once a week and work my way up to once a day for starters. I hate that I am the only one on this lousy budget in all realms of my life outside of law school. I don't think people get it all the time, and that's okay, but it makes me bitter sometimes. There are so many things I want to do! I am finally feeling the law school sacrifice. 


I hope Joe gets into school. He really wants to move on to the next point in his career, and I can't imagine not being able to yet. I'm trying to be really excited for him and more understanding.


I chopped some of my hair off, and it feels a lot lighter. I like it! But I want it to grown again. I am trying not to dye it either! I really want a couple of highlights... badly.


Anyway, I'm rambling but I figured I would give this blog some TLC because I haven't been <3 wish me luck today bloggies! 


Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. ~Barack Obama

technology.

Some day you will be mine: http://www.apple.com/ipad/

Until then, I'll just wait.

corn bread and butter beans.

I finally started talking about my grandmother's condition to a friend or two. I realize that although I am not an extremely private person, I can be. I am a private person about things that really matter to me. I have to let people in to discuss emotional things. I can shoot the shit about myself, my life all day. However, family strikes a nerve because it has been so volatile for so long. I also don't trust a lot of people, especially in law school. Oh hey, competitor. This part of my life super sucks... talk about an invitation for sabotage, especially with the ill-mannered people at my school.
But, it's gotten a lot better. I think a lot of it came from me. I excuse a lot of what I consider pernicious behavior. I am sure my behavior from last year was excused, too, so it's only fair. But in all seriousness, law school bull aside, my grandma is back in rehab (she broke her arm, she's been sober since I'm born) and my parents are finally looking into a nursing home, even though it seems like this is the end of the road.
My grandma was a character. I know she isn't dead yet but might as well be, she has the end stages of dimentia/alzheimer's. Sometimes there are glimpses of her but it's rare these days. We were best buddies when I was little. My grandma is a hilarious leo with a love for animals and family. On that level we have a LOT in common. However, she was also a raging alcoholic with the worst mood swings. She was stubborn, independent, and outspoken often to a fault. However, I notice we share a lot of those qualities, too. I don't put myself down as much as she did and I don't drink like she did. I also have more compassion and my mean streak is NOTHING like her. In fact, from ages 10-21 we did not get along. It's sad that for 11 years of my life I remember avoiding her like the plague.
I know she was still struggling with my grandfather's death, getting older, and facing the music that at some point she would have to come home to NY. She moved to Florida to escape the cold (another distaste I share with her). When she finally hit her head in the bowling alley and suffered a traumatic brain injury, it sparked this current condition. Doctor's can't point to a specific tipping point of her current state but all we knew at that time was that it was degenerative. I remember my mom called me, it happened my sophmore year of high school. She was crying and told me grandma was having emergency brain surgery. My mom got mad at me for making a joke, "oh that's what brain surgeons are for. I always wondered why we give them so much credit." But as usual, my mom said it wasn't a time to joke although she appreciated my efforts... whatever. My mom and uncle flew down to Florida and took care of that.
I was really upset when I was told my grandma was moving in. I knew it was the beginning of the end, not only for my grandma but for my family. My mom and grandma do not get along AT ALL even though they rely on each other and love each other. It's like they feed off of the toxicity. My grandma got nastier and nastier as she got older. My mom put her through therapy for the post-TBI issues that would arise. Alzheimer's often changes family dynamics. Because I was the last person my grandma fought a lot with in the family, you can imagine how the dynamic affected me. What bothered me more was how my grandmother would scream at my father, who was literally picking her up off the ground most of the time. My grandmother's balance was shot to shit after the accident.
I hate seeing my dad yelled at. He's the glue that holds my perfectly dysfunctional family together and he's one of my best friends, if not my best friend. He understands my relationship with the women in my family and how I have no patience for their soap operas. But, all of a sudden, I realized that I was probably moving to law school soon and should probably change this dynamic. Time to start making as many memories as possible before I move. I know my parents were mad that I was moving because they were losing one of her babysitter's... not that I babysat a lot anyway. I am very selfish with my time as a student and young adult. I know my parents sacrificed a lot for their parents when they were my age but I was always told they made their lives better to make ours better, so I would not play anyone's keeper. I held them to that promise much to their chagrin.
I realized my grandma and I share a morbid, sarcastic sense of humor at times. She's a lot meaner than I, but I could appease to make her happy as her brain is shutting off permanently, right? So I began cracking jokes, telling her about my parties, guys I was dating, etc. I realized she just wanted me to tell her things, even if she asked me the same questions over and over. She always wanted a relationship with me, it was just soured by my inability to let her in to my life because of her bad behavior and because I saw the effect it had on my mom.
Through this process, I realized my grandma is a tortured soul. She had a rough childhood and although it doesn't excuse my grandmother, I can see why she chose the booze for years. Being raised by nuns in an orphanage during the great depression while her mom scrambled to make ends meet, it makes sense. I just wish my mom got the therapy she needed during all of this. It's hard to be the sandwich generation, but she took the role of martyr instead and continually lashed out on her kids. It's hard to go home, so hard I avoid it. My mom has learned to blame everyone else for everything, and takes little accountability for her bad attitude. When prompted about it, she just cries and lashes out. Not a very productive relationship and I know time might heal the wound, but I'm tired of trying with her.
My family dwells. broods. stews. I have some of that quality, which is why I'm still angry with them about how they are handling this grandma shit. However, I chose to handle it and let go, let God. At some point we all knew grandma was going to go.
We should've filed her medicaid papers ages ago. We should've taken serious steps to put her on waiting lists for nursing homes so by the time this last fall to the floor happened, she'd be next. I'm a planner. I understand that my parents thought it was not the right time, ever, to do anything, but avoiding the logistics and dwelling on the emotions didn't solve shit. Now we're all sitting around scrambling to change the status of her trust, prepare funeral arrangements, and to find a place for her. My parents both work and my brother goes to undergrad. I found out this past break that he misses work to take care of grandma on fall to the floor days. It pissed me off. I love and respect my brother so much for doing that but he did NOT have to take off of school to do that. My parents took my grandma in, this is their responsibility. My brother is going through what I refused to go through, giving up his shot at making his life even better than what we had to babysit a woman who could die on his watch.
We're now preparing for the end being so near. I doubt that I will be home or able to make the funeral but I'm saving for it. Everyone knows if you don't make a funeral for my small, retarded branch of the big Casey clan, you're in serious trouble and will be shunned by the ever-so-unforgiving mother of mine. You just don't want the drama from her. I know she doesn't mean it but the woman is a lot like her mother whether she wants to admit it or not. She blames other people she doesn't like in that moment for being like her mother, but my mom learned that behavior somewhere and it sure doesn't come from the generation below...
I am going to let the wounds try to heal and I will try to avoid my family's pleas for phone calls that dwell on things that we can't control. I tend to be tough about things because I've dealt with my mom's tears my whole life. I think that's why I cry so much when I get physically hurt! But, I know it freaks my family out that I've already made amends with my grandma and that I know how to deal with her. I don't let her jabs stick anymore. I don't let theirs stick either. Ya piss me off, fuck you. And that's that in that moment. Nothing more, nothing less. I have a threshold of tolerance for bad behavior. This death is truly showing some behaviors I thought I'd never see and it's only pending. I only hope my family softens up when grandma passes. Her death is only about them because they've chosen to make their life all about her. I wonder if a part of them will die when she dies because they associate so much with her illness. I can only imagine how many times their issues are blamed on her illness. Maybe we all have an edge because that's just in the genes? We are Irish you know.
Anyway, I was just inspired to write about this as I try to sort out my own life. I hope I have my grandma's zest for life with my nanny's compassion and my nana's know-how. Yea man, this chick had three grandmothers growing up and I loved it. I learned a little bit about life from all of them, even though my nanny died when I was a toddler. I hope to be most like my nana, 95 and going strong with a sharp mind and an even sharper tongue. I feel for her though, she is still with it but her body isn't. I know that's not worse than the inverse but it has to suck to be so independent and with it yet struggle with your daily bodily functions. But I'm not afraid to get old. I'm just afraid to be like my models in life.

I needs me a beach.

Free <3

Yoga... Noga

I have Tuesdays off from school now. It's beautiful. Especially on a beautiful day like today. I can try to accomplish things like... my new year's resolutions or homework. Well neither are getting done the way I like today and I blame reading ahead for the latter. As far as my new year's resolutions, those are starting to work themselves out.

Honestly, I need to stay committed to dieting. I am a wonderful excuse-maker when it comes to that. For some reason I am able to find a reason to "treat" myself for things that are not important. Gross. I am also going to start seriously cutting out alcohol. I always forget how empty those calories are. A glass of wine from time to time, great. But I tend to do a glass of wine a couple of times a week. I am also refraining from the party scene where I completely lack self-control. Pizza, wine, beer, cheese, salts... bring it... no.

I tried Yoga today. The inspiration for this blog actually. Well that was a fail. I was told by my life coach that yoga will help me balance and relieve stress... I WAS SO STRESSED OUT! First, I am an aural learner so if you tell me to do something I don't really need to see it to do it. I figured a DVD would be excellent for starters. I mean I am in bumblefuck Virginia and we only have one pilates class taught by a girl who seriously needs a cheeseburger. I am obviously trying to lose weight but I would like to have a curve or two and some happiness... so I want to do it on my own while here. Started off excellent. I can do the prayer position, lunges, squatting, what have you. I was an athlete, this is awesome...

Then we transition into practically sex positions that I am obviously not in shape for... God my boyfriend must really love me to put up with how awfully awkward and confused I am. This is when I started to lose it. I sat down and watched the routine because "looking my gaze outward" was not instructive as I was just previously told to "tuck into my navel..." These people must seriously smoke up before doing these DVDs. I was so lost. The sitting then turned into epic frustration. My dog was already under my knees, kicking my legs during my lunges think this was a new game.... and then the yoga-tribe started contorting in ways that were obviously above my skill-level... I looked retarded. The sitting turned into pouting, then the pouting turned into lunchtime.

While watching the yoga people, eating soup on my living room floor with my dog lying there next to me in sheer happiness that I was sharing his claimed area rug, I realized I had no idea what was in this soup I was eating. It tasted amazing, Chicken corn chowder, but I had no idea what the ingredients were or anything. Then it hit me, I had a conversation at this trashy local gastropub on Saturday with a girl who lost 20 pounds... She looks amazing and I thought, even if I lost 10 pounds of my desired 30, I would be so happy. She told me it was a mind trick for her "food is fuel not a fun thing." Damn...

I make food such a fun part of my day. I plan meals, which sounds healthy but in my eyes it's how much flavor can I get out of my meals... and I also love sweets. I blame the sweets on new medication and law school stress because prior to this experience and prior to my surgery, I was all into organics and being a lean machine. (the surgery was for a big cyst that released estrogen. gross)

So I re-registered my account for daily calorie counting, finished the oreos and said, "That's it, done." I am getting to the end of my groceries in the next 2 weeks anyway so when I go back shopping I can start fresh. I saved the healthy stuff from my last trip anyway so now I only have healthier foods to choose from.

To be honest though, I hate getting advice from people already doing this successfully. I do better when no one really inputs to my process. It's kinda embarrassing to me that I am such a yo-yo dieter. I feel like I was a vegetarian for so long and was once studying to be a part of the health profession, it's pretty mortifying that I can't stop ingesting what I know is digusting. I hate that I am someone who turns to food for comfort and someone who genuinely loves a good brownie when I'm crying over chick flicks once a month...

So I am not only adopting this "food is fuel, not a treat" attitude, but I am changing things around my apartment. I put the fattest picture of myself I could find on the fridge. I wrote on my whiteboard to remind myself my maximum calorie intake allowed and to check off what kinda exercise I plan to do today. I also wrote an uplifting message to myself on the mirror and I hung my skinny jeans up in a spot I can see them everyday.

I honestly hate the girls that can do this so easily. I don't want your input, I don't want your tricks. It's obviously working for you. I need to find me and nurture me in a way that I can get where I am... when I'm there maybe we can exchange tricks of how we eat celery sticks instead of cheez-its or something. I just can't stand skinny girls with advice, I'm not asking... I'm just doing.

Yoga, Noga.

Fur, Trends, and Shallow

It all started with those furry vests...

Don't look for more honor than your learning merits.  ~Jewish Proverb

Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.  ~Eric Hoffer

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things.  ~Author Unknown

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.  ~Woody Allen

I know it goes without saying that all of us, at some level, are judgmental. I know that everyone wants to do his/her best in life, and that we all have our standards. I also know that it is not necessarily a bad thing to have expectations. IT IS, however, a problem to be a pretentious asshole.
It's unfortunate that some people are actually talented, but allow ego to take away from talent. It is also unfortunate that ego eats the shreds of decency these pretentious bums are born with. It's not even like a specific person inspired this post, no one comes to mind actually although if I ruminate I'm sure someone will being that I'm in law school. I just hope that someday, someone who is pretentious will find themself feeling bad about it, realizing the put downs and needless competition were a detriment causing them distance from quality people, and try to resurrect all the people he/she rolled eyes at, or dismissed, or laughed and mocked.
I also notice that most of this is done behind the person's back... making me think pretentious people are not only rude but cowardly. It's not "picking battles" or "avoiding drama" as a pretentious person would say to make themself feel above the situation... it's just plain rude. and cowardly... Also makes me wonder how often pretention is a cover for insecurity?

Last night I had a wonderful night with my girlfriends. One came from NC to put on a spa day for my friends. I give her credit, it is hard to get a group of tense women in law school to sit still and talk about buying shit. If it was a relaxed forum, it would be all we'd talk about. But once you assign a theme to a conversation, it's like law students have an inherent need to not adhere to it! It was great, but now I am attached to my bed with my dog and laptop unable to do anything today from being so tired... it was exhausting to discuss so many things and reconnect with friends I haven't hung out with since break. I realized, I am just drained dry of efforts. I am burned out socially.
I LOVE scholastics, I love studying, I love work. I love being social, but for some reason it just drains me. I think that I have just been through a lot of transition and I'm still shaky on where I stand in so many ways that I don't even care. I am so authentic about it, but so tired of having to do work about it, too. I just wish everyone made effort all the time and I could take a breather. I have been assertive for so long, and so loyal, and so trying to make it all fit and all work with everyone and everything that I feel like I didn't even hit a wall... I just walked up to it and said, "Okay, proverbial wall, I am not yet hitting you but I will. So let's call it even, and I will stand here and hope everyone else jumps over or around you. Deal?"

I am so thankful for the friends that I have and the independence I've achieved in being social. Last night was stressful but exhilirating. I have such great girlfriends here and I feel closer to them than people I've known my whole life, even if we don't see each other all the time. I've let my guard down, and I like it. I never really needed it, maybe for a short while, but who needs a guard when you have built a defense to bad vibes? Save it for emergencies. I used to be independent, went through some stuff in undergrad, and then became dependent. Now, like me or don't. If I like you and we both decide to let each other in, I am behind you 150%. If you are a shady, pretentious asshole or a depressed basin of drama, I'll see you when you get right.... because I love life right now.

It was liberating the other day to email a few attorneys I've worked with in Utah and hear back that I would be more than welcome there. I am valued. I don't even know-know these people but they want me! I will be an asset in my dream job there. Do I want to go west? I don't know but I might. My life is mine, I learned I could move anywhere I want to. Joe wants to go anywhere with me. I am so blessed that I am young with options. If my family doesn't approve, I am over the hump of feeling like I need their support. I learned that I don't need anyone, I have me. I'm just lucky to have Joe; we compliment each other and he makes life better. I only hope I make his life better in half the capacity he makes mine.

I guess my parting advice is don't eat chia seeds in excess... you will regret it. Take it one day at a time. Just like life.

My hero, always.

I was told this winter that I ought to write stream of conscience. Start with a to-do list and watch what it turns in to... I didn't realize this would surface on a snowy day watching movies with my dog. I know I should outline, I should finish my laundry, and I should also stop making up recipes and trying them out (that also goes against eating healthy, another suggestion by my spiritual life coach). So as I'm going through this, I didn't realize I would be inspired to blog. I know a few of my classmates already blog... some of them very recently. This is just my space, for my ideas. My inspirations. Things I like to share that I can never find a forum to do so. 
Facebook is just a way to keep up to date with friends and family. The note typing aspect of it is pretty lame. To be honest, this blog will probably be boring... with a rant or two sprinkled with humorous things. Maybe you'll see what inspires me. It might just be a time capsule of my inspirations through the crazy process of law school. You'll also see lots of pictures of Murphy, my dog. He is a blessing I never thought I'd get. My boyfriend, Joe, and I bought him last year as a Christmas gift to me. I think everyone in law school ought to have a pet. It's a living being that is devoted to you and doesn't talk back. So while everyone else is gunning in class and writing passive aggressive posts on either facebook or twitter (I am often guilty... I'll take one for the team), a dog is man's best friend who waits for you every morning to start the day and spends otherwise lonely nights with you watching TV and cuddling. 
I think this blog will be healthy for me. It is totally self-serving and I honestly don't care about feedback or comments... everyone's welcome but honestly this is my journal. I like typing more than a paper journal only because I need to get my typing speed up and I need to type without relying on spell check so much... the law student has surfaced again!
I am awkward, funny, smart, and honest. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I could imagine not knowing at this point. I also speak in double negatives, thanks to the South. You already know about Murphy... and you may or may not hear ramblings about my absolutely lovable yet absolutely frustrating family. I am in transition with friends. My law school friends are back and forth sometimes, but my close ones at school have become family. As for what I left at home, I am trying to see how it will all fit in my new life when I hopefully graduate. I am petrified of the bar exam and started an organization on campus to help others go through this fear, of the Beltway region of course. I would love to take the MD bar, land an EPA job, or do any type of agency law for that matter... I feel that my purpose is to help the government and encourage agencies to do the right thing instead of falling victim to Congress' intent alone. After all, they are recognized by SCOTUS as the superior know-how of technical information within the bounds of Congress. It's a lofty goal and maybe I am still a naive child of the law, but I want to teach lawyers about the climate and force education on climate change law to the public... But I hate this Congress. and I hate that they took away subsidized loans. 
But that rant... still needs development. So let's keep it light, dutch. Welcome if you're reading this, but welcome to me, to explore and have fun with my inspirations, thoughts, and mishappenings.

Peggy: Well, there is one thing that brings warmth to my heart.
[pause]
Peggy: Duckbill platypus.
Maggie Carpenter: No... that's only funny at Camp Birchwood in the tent at three in the morning and it's raining and my leg is the pole! That's the only time that's funny.
Peggy: Let's just give it a try.